Wicked Wonderland In a Bind
Limbo
10.29.06 - 9:35 pm

I wish I could figure out what exactly pisses Chris off, but I can't. So there you go.

My older brother and I can't get along any more. Tonight we got into a tiff over my computer.

My little bro's tower die, so, I'm giving him mine. Aren't I a nice sister? Any way, Chris is cleaning it out... and he wants to get rid of a program that I want to keep. He get's pissed, storms away. I didn't say anything mean, or snipy. I told him, I'd like to keep it.

"Well isn't this Drew's computer?"

"No, it's my computer... he's borrowing it."

"Well whatever, you figure it out."

Drew knows that he's not keeping my baby. I've had it for 5 years now. It's old, out dated... and it has a ton of memories. I don't feel like wiping my computer clean, of things I still want to remember.

Sigh.

My mom and I had a talk about marriage tonight. Josh isn't her first choice... well, I think she'd prefer him as no choice, but that's not for her to decide.

I told him that if marriage come into question, I'd say yes.

Realistically, Josh and I can't have a wedding, we can't even pay for one, and there's no time. Him being in the navy and all.

I think I've proved myself to Josh's family. He needs to prove himself to my family. My mom's first impression of him wasn't that good. At that point in time... nothing was going well between us. It was just bad timing.

Of course, that's stayed with my mom.

My mom wants the best for me. And money is an issue with this picture. My mom doesn't want me to end up like her.

I can't tell you how I'll end up. Of course having a fair paying job would be nice, but lets face it, I'm going to be an educator. The money isn't going to be a lot.

Honestly I would like to be a stay at home mom. That doesn't mean that I can't work outside, but having a part time job either volunteering... doing something... but I want to be home for my children. I can't tell you how much I appreciated having my mom home.

My relationship with Josh is... not secure. I don't think being engaged would make it any securer. Honestly though, I wouldn't wait if I didn't think it would come to that. I'm not going to wait four years and come out broke up.

My mom said if I do get engaged with him, to wait two years, see where he is stationed and go from there. Which was our plan from the start.

There's going to be a year and half where Josh is going to be in limbo. That's for his first duty station. He can be stationed anywhere. He'll also be out at sea for half of it.

Nothing is grounded. There's nothing I depend on because it's likely to change.

Only thing I know is that I do love Josh. And this is testing me as to how much I do love him.

While this suck beyond belief... I've been lonely before, but never this bad. Being lonely because you have no one is completely different. You don't have the knowledge of love. Before I knew love, being lonely was different and easier.

Being lonely and in love... I don't wish this on any one.

I feel different. I don't feel complete.

When I was alone and with out love, I was complete no matter what. I was still me. I didn't depend on any one.

Josh and I both depended on eachother, and that's turned to bite us both in the ass.

What sucks now is that I know Josh is coming. Half of me wants his so badly, and then half of me doesn't want him here. I don't want to have to go through the pain again. I don't want to go through missing him all over again.

I don't with on that anyone either. Think of it as mourning someone. I'm still in mourning, but Josh is alive and well. But not with me.

It's breaking up and not breaking up.

It's limbo.

Either way, it sucks.

chez

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