Why, because Miranda can't say the words "I love you."
This doesn't have to do with my relationship w/ Josh... it's just the fact that I've never said those words,
I know what it feels to not be able to say those words. I know how it feels not say caring words.
I can't even type the words sometimes.
Josh told me he missed me. In all honestly, I don't miss him.
Yes, there are times of day that I do, but I'm not counting that because I'm not thinking about him... I'm not constantly missing him. If I constantly missed him... then this would be a different story.
When we'd talk on line he'd write "I miss you" but then he shortened it to "miss you".
Now, I'm not over reacting in this shortening buisness. Written or voiced, with out that I the words lose half of their meaning.
I would do it all the time when I was younger with my lil brother. I would only say, "Love you." I could never say the full phrase, I hated Drew when I was younger. Now, I don't hate him.. I do love Drew.
I don't know why this is making me teary. I'm not crying, I'm just emotional.
I guess... I wish just for once, that I didn't have to hold words back.
Miranda had a good point to the word love. It's easily given out. For some it is just a word. It's not just a word for me, it's my heart.
I have wanted to say those words to Josh before. Right now, those words will not be spoken. I don't love him, I care for him deeply... I still have a lot of healing to do.
The wound he gave me... I feel it. I really feel like something cracked, even though I'm all flesh.
I'm wondering though... will I be able to feel that way again? I'm still doubtfull. Normally I'm a one-time-deal, kinda gal. At least I have been in the past.
He'll be back in 10 days. After that, we'll have 3 more months. He doesn't know what he's going to do when he graduates. I still have one more year left.
I used to be able to see a future with the two of us. I had included him in my fururistic plans/daydreams. Now, I can't see more than past him getting back from Scotland.
In the future, I can see myself alone.
chez