I'm in limbo.
With work, with Josh, with just about everything.
Josh and I have been trying to get over some issues, and last night I almost left his place again (I've stormed out twice in a week and a half). I'm tired of being ignored while he plays his video games. My tolerance has now hit because I am not happy.
It sucks seeing your loved one happier than you... I don't wish what I'm feeling on Josh but it's like put rubbing alcohol in a cut.
He just can't understand why I can't deal with him playing video games while I'm over.
"I gave you an hour of cuddle time." Was his response to me getting up and asking, "So, no cuddle time?" It doesn't help when he just flops on the bed and sighs.
So you gave me an hour of cuddle time... Then you just leave me to my own devices on the bed? I'm not at school, my life has ended up being with him and work.
I've tried giving us more space, I"m at my place right now. I've slept here more than I ever did at Millennium for a month.
The "solution" to this fight was to try and find something to do. Josh found this martial arts class, Cappabueda(sp?), it's a Brazilian fighting style. We did it this morning... it was ok, the thing that was strange was at the end we gathered in a circle and sang w/ instraments. It's part of the whole fighting style but... it's not me. I'd rather kick the shit out of something, this martial arts is "not being there" you run away instead of taking an attack. I get the concept, it was fun, but it's not something I'd rave about.
I'm personally going for salsa dancing, or any kind of latin dance. I've tried to get Josh into doing it, but he's had work issues. He always has work issues when it comes to the things that I've wanted to do... Today however Josh switched his schedule so that he could do this martial arts on Monday nights.
My mood went to had a good work out, I feel good to I feel like shit. Josh then turns to me with his big smile and I just give him I sideward glance.
He can do what he wants, but that stung.
Monday I start my clayworks class, hopefully that'll perk my spirits. I should have gone into the studio today. I was planning but, I'll go tomorrow after work and I'll be able to go on Monday as well. I'm going to have to start to get in gear.
I have been trying to change things as of recently, like going out and hanging out with friends.
All it does is put off what I'm feeling.
I came to the realization the other night that I've haven't done anything in with my life. I've been the good girl, I've done what I've been told to do. I'm in school, I have a job... and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. Yeah, I've learned and I love to learn... but I'm worn out.
All I've done with my life is swim and gone to school. This diary is a testiment to it. In this diary's early life all I did was swim, I didn't want to do anything but swim. Now I do art.
I've been in school for what 20 years now(including preschool and all that jazz)? I'm going to be let loose in a year... thrown into the working society, to teach in this horrid system of being in school for so freaking long.
I don't want to drop out. I'd be too scared to drop out.
I'm just wondering how we all survive this system. When so many of us are unhappy with it.
All of us want that dream job of making big bucks.
I just want happiness for what I do...
So why is it escaping me now?
chez