"Oh 35 to 40 mins..."
"What!"
"I'm just estimating!"
I shouldn't be disgusted, but i am.
I'm disapointed in myself, it has nothing to do w/ the guy, guy was nice, it wasn't him. All me, all my shit w/ myself. And i feel it's the biggest excuse but you know...
i can't see myself w/ a guy.
In my dreams, i don't think i've ever had a boyfriend. I've been pregnant... virgin mary style, but I can't see myself giving affection, doing this, doing that...
Then there's the fantasy lover in me going, "You fantasize, you know you want to experience." There's a Huge difference between reality and fantasy and i know things that i day dream about will never happen. Not in the near future anyway.
My mind isn't going to be fooled.
There's plenty of fish in the sea shit isn't convincing. No, i'm not putting my name out for a dating ad... I don't have the patience to get experience. I'm tired of all the shit i'm putting myself though for something i don't really think i need.
I can live w/o. I'm perfectly content w/ myself, alone. It's only when i'm around the girls do i notice i'm missing things. Otherwise, i don't see a problem w/ how i'm living.
And Sat. night wasn't the way i wanted to make out. Not when i have no idea of concept of time! Not when i wake up and have my shoulder bruised and my ass hurting from him dropping me twice from dancing.
My first kiss was a disapointment... and this one was an utter low point in who i think i am.
Alcohol yes, involved, but how many ppl use it as being drunk a functional excuse. "Oh i was drunk." and everyone can be like, "yeah...blah blah" Everyone knows it's affects. It's a part of society. It's not an excuse, it's not illegal, it's a should be a fucking food group! We inhale it as much as chips and popcorn!
i love how i avoid living.
God, i piss myself off.
I can't stop critiquing who i am or what i stand for.
My art has to be perfect. There's no exception, otherwise i think i'm cheating myself if i half ass.
And then there's my insecure side always aware of what goes on in others lives that isn't in mine, making me feel like i should be them. Making me want to be them even though they're life is prolly just as bad as mine.
The grass is greener on the other side.
I don't think it's greener... i think if you look at the whole view. As in a garden, you see the style of who the garderner is. If you have one bad gardener next to and really good one, who do you think you will want to hire to plant your garden?
Then that goes w/ "first impressions mean everything."
I forget my point w/ this. I'm just frustrated. So frustrated with what the fuck i want. I either do or don't.
If i died tomorrow, would i think i fullfilled my life?
No.
Not in the least.
chez