Wicked Wonderland In a Bind
The fear of loss
09.08.06 - 2:12 pm

Where to begin.

This week I had to figure out if I was to keep my Ceramics major (which means the world to me, I'm a double major w/ Art Ed.) And come to find out that Josh is now leaving for the Navy on the 22nd.

In 3 days this happened. This week seems like I could have sat in the bathtub and filled it with tears.

Tuesday was when it started, talk to my Prof. because I had 3 classes w/ him over the summer. He gave me a C+ in all of them, and told me that I don't my heart in it, which is understandable because I'm focused in Art Ed. That day Josh got a call from the Navy giving him his options, he chose to leave in Oct. That was a tough night. I cryed alone in bed for a while about my major, called my mom hysterical. Calmed down, and found about Josh was going to be leaving for 6 to 8 weeks for boot camp.

Wed, I got to school talk to my Prof. and sort things out. I'm going to add another semester on and finish this major. I'm not going to graduate now until Dec. 2008. I was soooo looking forward to ending my college experience. I'm ready for more. I want to get out and start a new life. Dare I say, I want more responsibility.

I was so exhausted from my ordeal, that I sleep for 4 hours on that night, and Josh came home from work. He curled up next to me and hugged me tight, "I have some bad news, the recruiters called again... I'm going to leave the 22nd instead of Oct... Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad, it's just one more shock added is all... you know how it's been for me this week"

Josh and I have basically been inseperable since the first call. I go straight to his place from school. I just can't seem to want to let go of him. I have to though. He's been good at reminding me that this isn't forever. As stupid as it seems, I basically believed that I wouldn't be able to see him until his 4 years were up.

Last night I think it finally hit him that he was leaving. I was so tired form a full day of school that I went to bed early. Josh woke me up around 3am, he cuddled me in his arms and said, "I'm sorry for being selfish."

I asked him why he was selfish, but I don't remember much of the converstaion because I just woke up and fell back to sleep.

I asked him about it this morning, thinking it was a dream, it wasn't. I asked him again why he thought he was selfish. He pulled the covers over his head, something very uncharacteristic for him. I curled closer to him, "I didn't consider you when I joined, " he said, "I was more concerend with myself."

I've know that when he did have to a job, or in his case join the navy, that I really couldn't have a say in what he did. This is the start of his life out of college. Everyone has to be selfish at this point. He actually hasn't been selfish, he's let me know about everything that he's been doing, and that's all I really asked for.

There's only so much consideration I can get in something like this. I expected myself to do that same to him when I finally get a job. I have to go where the jobs are, if it takes me out of state... so be it. It would have been harder for me to find a job if I had only one area to look for. I don't want to leave Baltimore, but if I have to, I will.

Josh told me that he wrote me a letter last night, and that he was going to put it in my backpack but he just didn't get a chance. My first reaction to him telling me this was depression. I thought it was going to be more bad news written down... instead I got something more:

"You're asleep, and maybe that's when I see it most... I look at you and I see my best friend... I no longer fear bing myself. I no longer fear at all. I never thought i'd find someone to lobe that would love me back as much as you do... And then I realized we may be apart soon. I want you to know you give me purpos when I feel I have none. Ithout you my soul would be empty, my hear would be broken, my being incomplete. I thank God every day you were broght into my life.. and I thank you for loving me...

Love, Josh"

This week tears just flow unbindingly... and they flowed after I read it.

I know I'm not losing him forever, and I hope the navy is the right path for him... I just can't bear the thought of not having him in my life... not seeing him every day, not having his warmth at night, and not waking up with his arms around me.

That's what I fear the most.

chez

previous next