I know his name, know where he's from... i just don't understand why i got so fucked up.
It scared me. Still scares me.
Everyone is proud. Proud of what? Proud of me feeling absolutly Stupid for doing such a Stupid thing.
Yes, Everyone does it. I could fucking care less what everyone does.
I feel like i belong in my own world, i don't belong here. Anywhere. I love life, i love who i am. I just hate who i'm becoming.
Change... it used to be so appealing.
I considered myself liberal.
I don't mind the world growing up, leaving me behind to struggle with my own internal disfunctions. Let me change on the outside, let me conflict w/ my own heart and mind.
I sat, staring into the toilet. Asking my reflection why i did it. The reflection wavered w/ me spitting up the last of the bile in my throat.
Four hickies to remind me of my stupidity.
I regret what i did. I feel bad for dragging others into my wake of problems, pulling them into the under toe. Crying and shaking in Eren's arms once i got away from the guy on the wall. Left him to stumble and find me, at least i could walk. I don't know how i found my quad mates, or they found me. I told them my fears, my worries of what people thought of me. My body showing my fear through the tears.
I found myself in the middle of Greg and his fionce w/ Lisa driving. I didn't mean to take them away from the party. I just had to get away before it got worse, before i found myself in a worse situation. I sat upright, not looking in any real direction.
All i heard was, "Em, are you ok?"
"I will be."
I don't know how many times is repeated that.
I'm dramatic. I always have an opinion. I just need to let my mind shut up for once. My concience never leaves me along. It took my voice and asked the stall walls, "Why?" How many times did i choke out that word in between gulps of water, trying to make my body feel. Not the fucking walls have an answer. They're pale as my face, the blue veins in my hands showing themselves through my paleness.
Pati heard me come in. I was composed and tried to get out the evil liquor from my insides.
She helped me change, gave me water. Made sure i was fine. I'm a very corroperative drunk. I told her what the party was like and begged her to get the rest of the girls. She did. Sent me to bed. I found myself climbing out of bed, shaking.
I shook in the arms of my friend, Eren when she walked in. I was shaking as if i was outside in the snow for hours.
Climbed into bed shaking.
Woke up buzzed.
Woke up examining the "love bites", hating them, hating myself.
Feel back asleep wanting to forget. Woke up having the girls say how proud they were, again.
"All six of you got action! What about me!" Rikka yelled at all of us as we compared our memories.
I want to grow. How i've been trying. But it only comes w/ experience. How do people live through their experiences? Why can't my mind leave me be to fuck up. Why can't my heart stop following my head and making me feel pain, regret, humiliation.
Such a life i lead.
chez