I didn't hit me until today that I had so little time left to spend with him. We were walking from a storage place to see what the prices were, and he asked me what I was doing next thrusday.
"I have class from 9 till 3:30."
"Oh? Well, this is what going to happen that day..." He explains that he has to go through more paper work, tests, and spend the night at the base. Josh will offically be leaving on Friday, he'll be hopping a plane to Chicago and from there go to boot camp.
While he explains I start getting teary eyed, and he asks me why I'm sad.
"It is what it is, your leaving, and I can't control my emotions."
"Just think of it as a new chapter for us..."
It is a new chapter for us, with me still feeling left behind. I not going to go follow him to the navy, I wouldn't drop everything in my life just to be with him. But I just can't understand why I'm reacting this way.
My only explination is I'm too attached. I rely on him way too much for support. He's my escape from the world, when I'm with him I focus just on him. I'm not worried about my life outside him.
Now I won't be able to escape. But I'm not really worried about that.
I'm not worried about him cheating...
I guess I'm worried about him not wanting to come back to me. Like he's have such a revelation and not need me any more.
I have nothing to go by these thoughts... if anything I have more proof against them.
I think if things were to go wrong, I'd be the one ending it. Harsh, but I'm not one to really wait... I don't like my emotions toyed with. I don't like being dragged.
I know I don't like those things, but I did them prior to when Josh and I broke up the first time. I held on. I didn't want to give up. I wanted to know what it was like to keep going with problems... Turns out we just needed a break. Josh more so than me...
I hate how my emotions make me a hypocrite. Emotions takes things by the moment, and maybe a little logic involved (depending on the situation).
I knew this day would come, when he would have to leave me to find his way. I'm going to have to do it, too. I'm going to have to find a job and go where it takes me.
I wish my heart would stop aching. He's not leaving me forever, I'll see him in two months, hopefully.
I'm tired of tears and a runny nose.
chez