I'm tired. I need a break. I need to figure out what's good for me, and not what's good for Pat.
I'm quiting.
I have to for my own sake, for my own sanity.
I can't be Pat's shadow. I can't ask him every second what he thinks of me, what he expects of me... and not be like, what do i expect of myself?
Today i missed both my morning classes... and i went to morning practice. But i was so exhausted from just doing nothing that i came back around 8ish... took a shower and around 9 i fell asleep. I woke up a couple of times, but i was still exhausted to so i decide to sleep more.
I slept for 2 and a half hours. 2 hrs i could have been studying. 2 hrs i could have been in class! but i couldn't. I stayed up late... i didn't get to sleep till 2 last night.
This whole quiting thing is emotionaly draining, and w/ my injury... i just need rest.
My back, feels fine now. I can arch my back for the first time in 5 days. Do you know how weird that is?
My mom and my roomie Ty says to wait a week. Now that i know i'm quiting... why wait?
I have soo much work i have to be doing, so much sleep i have to catch up w/. I don't know if i can wait 4 more days. I don't think my back will get any better... not as long as i'm swimming w/ Pat.
I know i should be drawing my homework right now, but i've put writing this entry in for too long.
I'm messed up. I really am. I don't know what comes first and what comes second in my life.
I don't know what my priorities are any more. I had to have my old coach spell them out for me when i went home the other day.
Because i'm so confused as to what i am doing, he had to tell me what should be first what should be second and third.
Swimming isn't who i am. Not anymore... I don't do it for myself. Practices are more out of habbit than anything... I have no joy in it any more.
I'm not happy. I don't think i've really been happy for a long time.
Even my room mates have noticed a change in my demenour. From happy to sad. W/in a few weeks they say.
i'd love to go to Pat now... and end it.
Last night while talking to Erika, i was trying to hold on to whatever hope i had left for the sport. But there's nothing left for me.
I have my other love now, and that's my art. I have no problem doing my art. I have fun in my classes. I may not like the teachers... but creating, is what i want to do. Building, cutting, drawing... whatever i have to do. I'll do it for the sake of My art.
My art is me.
Swimming... is more my body than my soul any more.
What's a body w/o a soul?
CheZ