As of right now... most of the popluation of the US is on my shit list.
Except for a select few...
Ok wait... i change that.
siiigh.
I went out to a party in Newark on Sat. Heh, i felt "connected"(via cell) for once. And i kept playing phone tag w/ my suporvisor.
Lish is just cool. She has a lot of my personal tendencys, so we get along really well. Her being from Maine and me from Maryland during the school yr... she feels pretty left out of the social loop too. But because she's older... she still has connections here. Where as me, pft. Two or three that i can think of at this moment.
But even w/ those few... i'm still disconnected. I never see them. Only contact is online. I'm starting to hate my AIM list. i have 122 ppl on my list. And no one talks to me. I have to talk to them.
I'm so tired of making efforts to being w/ ppl. I'm tired of Me having to make the first step. Someone else take the fucking lead.
And i've found that my entries this month... Suck. Because i'm having to deal w/ this kind of shit every fucking week.
Do ppl just not want to hang out w/ me?
If you don't want me around. Fine. Fucking see if i care. Tell me to my face, i'll take it. I'm not going to cry.... heh... maybe later. but that's for me to deal w/. If you don't like my personality, the way i move, the way i talk... then just tell me.
I'm tired of asking, do you wanna hang out, do you wanna see a movie, do you wanna do this or that.
I'm fucking frustrated w/ getting my hopes up and then the next instant mashed. It's not a good feeling when your hope is gone.
I hope every time i plan on going out, that i don't have to Think about hating the place every minute. Not hating my job or the life i'm living.
That's why i want out. That's why i want to back to school. I can't take the ppl here any more. I can't have my hopes crushed everytime i see or talk to a friend. The hope or anticipation, that i just May be included in some fun.
And everyone understands. Pft. Why bothering having them understand. I've heard those words out of too many ppl i've confided in.
I don't need understanding. Just cuz you understand doesn't mean that you are going to make the extra effort of making me feel included.
It sounds like i rely on ppl to make me happy. And yeah, i do rely on that social happiness. But lately, all i've done is work and read my books to no end.
I've asked to many times to hang out. Until i feel like the fucking nuicence, and i'm a bother.
Enough, i'm going into a fucking hole.
CheZ
ps. i got a boys # and he's got mine, i wonder if i should crush my hope right now and say fuck it.