Going thru old pictures. Remebering everything i wish i wouldn't.
Some good times. Mostly bad.
This is Erika's photo site. It's just scarey, because i know all these grls... knew who they were, and now know where they are.
She's at UD now... hating it, absoltuly miserable, and is currently writing an essay. But i'm watching her web cam. Silly grl.
She's been secretly planning her excape out of UD, but all plans have failed. She had a way out last spring, and if she reaplies to Unvi. of Toronto, i'm sure she'll get in again.
We are currently planning a webcomic to plot our course out of DE. Only one of us has escaped. I wonder who...
These two are no longer friends.
I don't have them in my wonderland cast link because i speak of them rarely.
Kristin, blond and Stacey, brunette. AKA The Midget Twins.
I don't talk to Stacey anymore. The bitch messed w/ Kristin, so she's on my shoot on sit list.
And Kris. Well, i don't think she's enjoying herself all too much.
She's at UD... and I dunno. I hope everything that she's going thru turns out for the better.
Sara, aka Fluffy Bunny... I've known her forever. She and i got along the best out of the group when everything was falling apart senior yr. I was ready to leave and i just didn't want to be around the group because they never considered me.
She's at UD... god... ppl can't get away from there... Don't know what she's doin' now.
Kiran the tan grl in the middle. The leader of us all... She's at UD. Given. And she's a junior now... she herded all of us grls in that pic, excluding me... around everywhere.
We were her following. She was our queen. Still is in many ways...
It's just sad how things fall apart on you. Or disapear.
I still keep in touch w/ Melissa and Esha. Not much to say about these grl currently. They're surviving their freshman yr together. They were seperate from the herd that Kiran kept us in.
Now i know why i never take pictures. I hate missing. Looking at pictures, it shows time... i don't want to see how i've grown up. I just want to be me, as i am. Here and now.
Yes, i've complained about missing my past. But those are habits. Habits of seeing them. Hearing their voices, seeing their faces.
It's hard walking around campus, knowing no one knows who i was. What i was faulty for. I get judged newly here... i can't base who i am because every judgement is different for each person.
I don't want to base who i am on judgements. That's just wrong. But in highschool, shit i know my class hated me. And i rebeled. I didn't give a flying fuck what they thought. Here, it's a totally different principle.
I have to be indifferent. I watch my movements. Watch my own judgements. I make no enemies. No one has shit on me here.
No one really talks about me. I asked one of my swimmer friends, and he thought about it and said,"No one talks about you... It's like you were just a body."
I made my self open enough to be talked to, but closed enough so that they just over looked me. Yes, i had my moments of me being emotional and my "pity me sessions" as one guy swimmer called it. But that's all they had on me. Just my emotions.
Same goes for my room mates. I start nothing. They initiate the problems. I'm here to listen, give advice, and move on.
Rikka once said, "Ty, Sara, Pati, and me are the bitches. Emily and Jen are the blonds... And then there's you Shwing. We can't put anything really on you other than... your oblivious to everything."
I'm the "chill person" as one grl called me at a party one time. At parties i'm noticed. Girls notice me more than the guys do.
I guess i do have a "stay away from me" radar. Ah well, not going to change that too much.
I haven't even been on the market, and dude, i just wanna fucking be left alone. No guys. I'm tired of them.
I don't like to be hit on.
I don't like to be uncomfortable.
I'm too much of a whimp to say get the fuck away from me.
Uh. I need my cat.
I need to be purred asleep. I need to just listen to her purr and not think. Just focus on sleep and her warmth.
Soft silkyness.
Sleep...
Chez
