Why is it when i get moody, crank, or just don't want to be messed w/ ppl assume that somethings wrong.
(talking about Marti Gras)
Me: i just don't want to go out
Lindsey: i know you're busy
Lindsey: yeah, not in the mood?
Lindsey: i feel ya
Lindsey: i mean i'm not really but i figure i might perk up
Me: i just need to stop, think, take a break
Lindsey: whats wrong, are you ok?
Me: i'm fine, just i've had a lot to do, and i need to rest
It's hard just trying to figure out what i'm doing w/ my life right now. I'm not enjoying school, i don't enjoy the people that i live w/. I mean overall this semester sucks and i haven't even had my midterms yet.
A list is just going through my head, i need to do this, i need to do that. I can't keep juggling my head off my shoulders.
I spent 20 hrs at least on my last art project. we have 2 weeks to complete the next one. And it's just like, what the hell am i doing?
It's the tred mill that never stops.
It's hard to keep running forever.
I don't think i ever stop.
That's probably why i swam and still draw. Because it slows me down and makes me think.
I just wish i was going slow enough so i can maybe find a relationship w/ a person.
Or find a guy that understands me. Because my guy friends at this point the few that i've made, still seem to be lacking a few key points to me.
They haven't finished my puzzel. And i sure as hell am nowhere finished w/ theirs either.
I'm trying to adjust or tweek... i'm trying to do something w/ myself, to make ppl aware of me.
This guy Ben, who lives in my building who i see every where, had a mohawk the other day and i was like, "hey, that's hot. Wish i could do that..."
Then today, i saw him smoking outside and he was like, "I like your hair, it's cute."
I have it pulled back into to pig tails and just have my bangs falling into my face.
I didn't have time to wash it, i think it's a mess... and i get that comment?
Caught me off guard...
I was like, "Eh, i try..." and walked away to my class.
It just irked me. To get a reaction like that. Yeah it's little, but i normally only get comments from grls, but never from guys.
Oh, Josh said to me once, "you look gay..." when we went to a gay bar. Yeah that hit the esteem button on my straightness... I'm sorry i mess w/ ppl's gay-dar! I really don't mean to! I just hang w/ grls all the time, and it's not only frustrating to them, but to me as well.
I just can't find a fucking happy medium!
I'm growing my hair, i'm trying to dress nicer... but because i have to dress conserviative for work, i just want to be a bum afterwards and go lazy ass...
I'm wearing make up for god sakes! Never thought i'd see the day! But i am... i'm trying, but not at the rate that i'm desprite.
Still on my list of things to complete:
Short Term:
Study for Japanese, Art Hist, Astronomy.
Get my art done.
Get work papers in so can get paid.
Learn the ropes at my new job.
Long Term:
Make it alive out of college.
Get a boyfriend.
Get a life.
Don't i have my priorities right, huh?
I say i'm on track, don't you?
chez