Yesterday i choked during my swim... and i'm still not over the fact...
Basically when you choke... you just die in the water, you have nothing... no strength, no energy... nothing.
And that's what happened w/ me.
And i can't figured out why the hell it's happening.
My first 4 laps of the 200(8 laps) was awsome... i kept up w/ the group and i thought i was going to make it... but after i hit the wall on the end of my 4th lap... everything just fell away... on my pull out, i felt all my strength fade from me, and pain set in. Unimaginable pain... and then everything fell...
I couldn't keep my stroke rate up...
I fell behind...
And everything that i wanted to do... laid in the wake of the water...
I cried in the water... i hurt so bad... and all i could do was whimper in pain.
I just want everything to back to the way it was! I Hate being the 4th breast stroker. I hate not knowing whether or not i'm going to be swimming.
I just want to go back to John's team, My team. I had everything going for me while i was there...
It's such a postitive environment...
And i feed off of that.
But here...
I feel like i have a weight on my shoulders when i'm swimming for Pat... i just want to prove myself soo badly!
I have no more confidence... i have no more ego.. it's all gone, and i want it back! but i can't find it...
Pat has given me incouragable words everynow and then... and he's showing more of an intrest in me now that my practices are better. So in that aspect it's better...
But it's just the pressure that he puts on us... to "Step Up" and show what we are made of.
Let me just fucking swim!
I don't swim for the team. I swim for myself... but during meets... it's the team or nothing. And i really like that aspect at some times, the cheering and what not... but i just need to find myself out of the team.
I need to find out what i can do. And who i am again.
In practice... i know who i am. And Pat knows i can do good times at practice... but when it comes down to it... i can't swim those times i need during meets.
Pat's a great person one on one... but he fucking scares me when we're in a group... and He just scares me soo bad...
So i talked to him the other day... after the meet, and i didn't tell him he scares me... i still haven't told him... and he told me to swim like the meets are a practice. "Just get in there and do it... don't think."
And that's what i just have to do.
I just hope i can suck it up, and just do it, instead of being misersable like i am now...
I need to show myself, not Pat, what i can do. I know i have it in there... somewhere.
Maybe today i'll get another chance...
We're swimming UD, my despised home state's university.
Delaware, you're going down.
Erika will help cheer you down *evil grin*
Wish me luck!
CheZ