I slept till 1 this morn' cuz some Jerk decided not to see me today!
but i forgive you, Erika ^_^ cuz i'm a nice person and i don't harbor any nasty grudges against you ^_^ (yet ;p)
I can't wait until the 26th... i leave for florida!! yay!! and i get the shit kicked out of me! but that's ok! cuz then i'll get to go to disney land and have loads of fun *beams* hehehehe!
oh yeah... since my fucking internet was down for two weeks i was forced to use my Word as my diary... so here's the One entry that i did out of sheer bordom...
Why is it when I try so hard, it only feels like I�m falling backwards instead of forwards?
That�s what I feel w/ swimming right now� I�m not getting better, it�s getting worse. I hurt, constantly now.
Pain in my shoulder and in my back. Isn�t cool�
And everyone keeps asking me, �Are you going to go thru it?�
Fuck it.
My mom and dad say that they are very proud of me, and don�t care if I quit. But, I really looked forward in swimming to my senior yr� but there are so many fucking obstacles! The art department already doesn�t have faith in me surviving� they told me flat out I wouldn�t be able to do both� so I have to chose.
I�m not going to be able to swim for money� I don�t even think you can!
But as for my art work� who knows if I�ll ever become famous� I�m still just learning� and I don�t know what I really wanna do w/ it. Yeah, I know I wanna teach� but for a freshman, why the fuck do I have to have these decisions now!
I know I should have a meeting w/ Pat. But I don�t know if it�ll make the situation worse.
I�ve peaked� which means, I�m not getting any faster� I�m just at a limit where I can�t drop time.
It happens to a lot of ppl� Yeah, I�ve gotten faster in practice� fuck, I can go a lot faster� but as for meets� *shakes head* nope� There�s nothin��
Breast stroke� I love it� I�m clenching my jaw hard right now to stop myself from crying because I love it so much.
Where would I be today if I didn�t have swimming?
I�d be a lil ball of insecurity�
I�d be too afraid of the world�
That�s how I was before I had swimming�
If I didn�t have swimming, I would more than likely be dead right now�
Suicide is far from my mind� but I�m sure I would have tried when I was younger.
Before this yr, no one really contradicted my beliefs about swimming� I just swam� end of discussion.
But now� the other grls in the quad next to me (my soon to be future home) always ask me, �why do you do this to yourself� it�s one of the worst possible conditions to be in�It sounds like you don�t have many friends on the team�� Which is true�
No one really notices me� which right now is to my benefit.
I just don�t wanna attract attention. I had it in the beginning� now I just wanna put it behind me and just swim.
And now I�m about to cry because I�m thinking about having a meeting w/ Pat and telling him about what I�m considering� I don�t wanna quit. But I won�t have a choice junior yr� it�ll get too hard� I won�t have time for my art projects.
I�m surprised I have time now! I actually missed practice the other day so that I could work on my art final� 7 fucking hrs it took me, in one sitting. ^_^ very proud of myself.
It sucks when you don�t have any one, on the team to talk to� it sucks when you just feel alone, w/ a team of 25 grls�I do have friends or acquaintances� but I don�t see them outside of swimming�
And then w/ a team of 30 guys or so�
What is it about me and ppl?
The other quad grls like me� but my swim team grls don�t� or at least that�s my feeling for some of the grls.
I dunno� it�s basically the same feeling that I�ve gotten in the past. Which doesn�t really bother me� I don�t mind having actual friends outside of the swim team� and having none inside of it. I shouldn�t say that it doesn�t bother me when I�m explaining this� heh� but it just puzzles me I guess�
It�s what I�m used to� pretty sad experience/existence, huh?
What makes me different?
Is it because when I�m around ppl I know� I can actually look like I�m having fun? And when I�m in big group then I just sit there and become the �watcher�?
Is it because I show my vulnerability, I show my shyness? And then show an out going persona? When the truth is I�m fucking scared� but I just hide it very well.
Or do ppl not know what the hell goes on in my head?
I�ve seen two very different sides of me now that I�m in college� In high school I noticed it� but it wasn�t that pronounced.
In swimming I�m very timid. When I�m around ppl there, I shy away and stay in my corner� afraid to speak, and just observing.
But I�m competitive as well� not against the ppl I swim� against myself. I don�t prove myself to anyone. It�s all for me. And if anything gets in my way� then there�s hell to pay.
And even though I show my timid side, I�m very open when spoken to� when asked, I tell� either truth or lie.
I love basking in attention. I thrive off attention like anyone does, but I can live w/o it just the same.
It�s like my mind can�t decide which personality it wants to be� shy or bold? Patient or quick to conclusions� We all have contradicting emotions� but to me� mine are very noticeable.
And no, I don�t have a double personality� I�m very whole thank you� it�s just Veronica likes to come out and play sometimes ^_~
*sighs* to prove the pt that I have no friends on the team� I sat w/ them but by myself� no one talked to me, I just sat there eating. I only spoke to tell them the time. Twas it.
Do I scare them?
CheZ