Ok, starting over. *smolders*
It's funny looking back on things, and wondering, "damn, you would have never expected this or that event would have happened to you..."
Or when you were little, you always wondered what you would look like when you got older or if you had a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Well, i'm still laking that aspect.
But, it's just weird, how little and how much i've changed.
What brought this around, is the fact, i'm searching for my past.
I have to do this colaboration piece w/ two other girls. And we were just talking, and the subject of highschool came around.
I'm actually, Missing, 4 yrs of my life. I didn't take pictures and i didn't start this diary, until my last week of highschool.
But, what i do have, are notes. I've kept at least 30 notes from my friends over the years, but that doesn't even count my freshman yr of highschool. It's more sophmore and junior.
And so, i'm going through these notes, only a couple are from kristin, stacey, and sara. And None from my old sweet heart, Julia *coughs*. Which is prolly for the better, i think i would have burned them, and pee-ed on 'em just to make myself feel better...
Going thru the notes, really, made me think of things... one, how the hell and my going to get the curage to cut these up! two, they are notes To me.. not me to my friends, so it kinda doesn't go w/ the whole piece. Three, what the fuck happened to good ol' times?
Did i have any?
Have i ever been really happy, or have i been a living life, like a fucking brain washed clone? I don't know.. it's just... When am i happy?
I don't know. I don't think i can answer my own question because... i don't think i've been happy for years.
Yeah, i put a smile on, i laugh easily, and i'm easy going... but it just sucks not being able to let go sometimes.
Another lil object i found while scurrying around my room, was my 7th grade diary.
I've found, i still write the same way as i do in this diary as i did in the last! W/ the exception of a few new found words. Hehe Cusses, ya gotta cherish them ;p
But reading my entries and reading my notes... i just wondered why the hell did i let half this shit happen to me?
Why did i sit there and take the verbal abuse... and what the fuck did i do to my harassers to disever that treatment?
While talking to my art friends, they were surprised that it happened to me. And my art teacher was even more suprised when i told him what my demenour's like in swimming.
I'm a lil fish in a whole tank of sharks!
It's not fun, in fact, it's horrifying. I hate being in fear all thru out practice... i can't relax.
That's of topic tho...
I have to find more stuff.. i have to get more from Erika... if you even kept them, Unicorn Whore! Ha! didn't think that name would ever surface again ;p
It's time to give the lil darling a wake up call.
^_^
CheZ