I talked to Vicki. She understands. I understand. WE ALL UNDERSTAND.
That was our converstation in the biggest nutshell.
Basically I got no reasurance from her. I need my mom for that... Vicki was just being frank and telling her side.
They got the idea when they walked out the art building when they had last saw me.
They thought it would be just a fun joke. No harm involved. At some point in time Beth's boyfriend had teepeeed their own room for fun. Just for the hell of it. The bottom line is, they compared me to a guy. And how a guy would react to a prank being pulled.
I'm NOT a guy. I'm a girl. I have PMS. I don't take kindly to pranks/jokes. I don't do them, there for don't do them to me.
I would grantee the fact that they wouldn't like what they would do to my room.
Vicki disagreed with that. If I had the guts I wish I could do something back. The pain I'm feeling now is not worth this shit.
Talking to Vicki only made me feel better for maybe 2 hours. Now looking at it, there is no excuse to what they did.
I wish I could reverse time. I really wish I could. I feel like a fucking middle schooler harrassed by my bully.
They just didn't think. No fucking consideration.
They thought I'd take it well.
This is one big fucking way to learn someone's boundries...
I don't know what to do right know, I have to live with them next year. They are good people, but are they really friends?
Would Kiran ever have done this to me? or Erika?
Are these girls who I want to be associated with?
Should I think that these friendships will last?
I got no closure. Telling me that you understand isn't closure. It's telling me that, yes, you know what I'm talking about.
And saying sorry doesn't help either.
Why did Kati get it and they didn't? Marisa, Kati and myself have the same personality. We're low key, not very energenic, we have no outrageous personalities... we don't have people skills like Beth and Vicki.
We aren't them, we aren't at all. We wish that we were them. They are the popular girls and I'm their pit crew.
I don't want to be that.
I fought that whole image in highschool. Then three years later I'm their lackey?
No, Fuck that, I've always been a lackey. I've always followed... I've always looked up to someone. I respect myself, but you can't help but day dream. Wanting their energy to somehow make them into someone better.
I'm not a leader. I step back and let someone else take the glory.
I'm the quite field mouse wanting to be a bunny. Long ears, soft fluffy hair... but no, here I am. Ground cover brown hair, half the size, I scurry around... I'm nothing to look at compared to a bunny.
Is this what it's come down to? The fact that, yes it was a harmless joke in their eyes, but in mine it made a world of difference.
I don't think I've felt this low in a long time. At least a good year. Probably before Brandon...
The only postive thing out of it is Kati thinks I'm "sporty". That's my persona now. I'm all for the logo tee's and still have my old punk roots. Totally random subject, but Kati and I were talking about images today.
The girls have influenced me, and so has growing up... but they think they've "changed" me, that knowing them I've become a new woman, not the tomboy anymore...
I still wear my chain wallet, much to their chagrin. I never take that off.
I'm not punk anymore, I'll fess up to it now... I'm turning that one over, however much I wish I wouldn't...
So, I'm "sporty" in the sence among my friends. Ya know, it makes a world of difference having a label. It defiles you and defines you.
I know one thing, even being sporty, won't make my issues go away.
chez