I'm sitting here listening to my roommates drunken-ness, they're absolute fun.
And i'm sitting here smoldering.
I'm tired. Tired of thinking, just... Why won't anything get better?
Everything i do is to make ppl feel like they aren't in the wrong, but all it does is fucking hurt me in the end.
I sacrifice my own happiness it seems, because i don't know what it truely means to be happy anymore.
I hate people. They make me happy but then in the end it all goes back into my face.
Yes, I swam. Yes, i know have fucking social problems, but what's to make up for all those problems?
Me being ignored?
Me just wanting to talk and no one listening?
Me wanting to drink w/ them but, everyone just is pissing me off.
I can't make up my mind. Why can't it just be the fucking past! i always look back and i never had these problems!
But even my past is slipping. And when that goes, what am i left with?
Sara left me a note in my Live Journal. Why? why leave a note? A call would be good.
And then it's like, i should call. NO. No more. I'm not doing anything. I'm sick of it all. Why the fuck can't my concience let me be bitter!
"Well, you're to blame, too."
I am, now? Why the fuck am i to blame? Did i Not call them to see them New Years?
Ya know what, if i'm such a loyal friend... where the Fuck are my loyal friends?
It fucking sucks being taken for granted for.
And then i'm like, "well everythings ok."
Damnit it's not, and i just want something to go right.
Laughter doesn't come easy.
God, Carrena, she had to stalk me through Google to find this journal! She's the only person that's found me! I haven't forgotten her through the years. Years are years, lives are lives. Shit happens.
I have to talk to her verbally soon.
These are the friends that i have in Delaware through the years.
Sara, Kristen, Erika, Carrena, Tykeeya, Christina, Mellisa, Esha, Laura, Angela, Stacey, Julia, Alexis, Melissa H., Britney, Christine, Katie and Kiran.
Alexis, was best friend 2-3rd grade. Then she... she hated me in highschool i know that.
Britney. I baby say her and her lil brother, i was 10 and i think she was 7. But was always made time for barbies. She moved, didn't hear from her.
Christine and Katie. Christine lived in my neighborhood, and i know she hated me but i was the only girl besides her in the neighborhood. Katie, Christine and i went to the same same school. I looked up to them because they were a year older than me when i was in 2nd grade. I would also go to Katie's house and play or we'd play in my neighborhood. Now, Christine, don't know where the fuck she is, her family lives in my neighborhood still... but don't know anything. Katie is best friends w/ Erika, and Katie's brother is good friends w/ my bro.
Melissa H., best friend from 4-5th. Lost touch... hurt like a bitch when i saw her in 7th grade, and she didn't remember me.
Julia, best friend 4-5th. Came back together highschool... then killed whatever trust i had in her.
Christina, Carrena, Sara, Ty, Angela, Laura and Michell(in our group... but not bf) They took me in 6th-8th grade... god those years were scarey. Good memories. Some kept in highschool... some lost touch. We we just weren't growing up w/ eachother.
Erika, Karin, Melissa, Esha, Sara, Julia, and Kristin. Basic group of highschool.
Who do i talk to?
Melissa and Esha sometimes online.
Erika, whenever she's online.
This now. Fun isn't it?
Just because i live in Delaware doesn't mean for me to spend time with them. It's called cars. I have one, how else do i make a social appearance?
I give props to Melissa because she called me to hang out spring break.
I didn't have to lift a finger. She did it all by herself. Like a good bunny girl that she is. Out of everyone, i think i've spent more time w/ her than anyone. Just being at her house, otakon... whatever the two freaks that we are and were...
All this isn't to say, "I'm the better friend." I have my own flaws. Why would i not have a concience that constantly stalks every move i make.
But i've had my limit now.
Even with my towson friends.
I base my friendships that are online. And they shouldn't be just that.
I am not just typing on a computer screen. Seeing me in person and actually hearing my voice and seeing my face full of emotions has it's rewards.
And my quadmates are drunk, and their noises are now making me laugh. Drying whatever tears that are unknow to them.
But then they start up again.
I don't know what the fuck posseses me to put so much trust into people.
Am i a tolerated person? What am i to people?
It hurts just sitting here just thinking that, but ya know, i sure as hell feel like i'm tolerated.
I only feel like some of my art major friends here understand where i'm coming from, we all have our weirdness. We can all connect with something. Either art or weirdness.
Wierd becomes the norm.
That's what i just want to feel around a person. Just total acceptance. I don't want to have to dance around someone's feelings like i have to here.
God, why can't i just swim or do art forever? Be cursed or something. Be mindless. Because living like this sucks.
There's a cycle here.
What do you think it is?
chez
ps. I'm not a hard person to please. The easiest thing to make me the happiest person in the world, is come to Maryland. Put your feet on the ground i walk on every day and tell me everything is going to be ok.