and i really really want to go home.
I wasn't homesick too much in the begining cuz i went home every 2 weeks... but now... i just want to go home...
I really like it here... but i didn't expect it to be this hard, and i guess in the back of my mind i've been considering it a "vacation".
But now that we're in the 6th week of school... that "vacation" ideal has faded and the reality that i can't go home is harsh.
And i just had to open my quad door, and my quad mate, Lisa, and she was just like, "Damn, you look terrible, is anything wrong?" Of course there is, but i didn't tell her. I've only been crying for a coulpe of minutes now so at least my face isn't red and my eyes puffy.
but what i don't understand, is that i was So ready to go to college. I wanted out. I wanted to get away from everything. And now that i am i just wanna go back.
I don't wanna see the ppl that i knew in highschool, other than a few, like Erika, melissa, esha...and possibly sara.
And i really wanna go back to my old swim team. OMG, i miss it soo much.
but i'm not going to see any of them until thanksgiving... and i get reminded of the Y when ever the lil kids come in to swim after my team is out of the water.
I really like college... it's just there's so much that has to get done and if it doesn't then i'm fucking screwed.
And i think last night i had a dream that i failed everything... I think i dreamed it.. i'm praying to god that i dreamed it.
Lately i haven't had any dreams. Or at least i don't remember them... And it scares me a lil. Cuz i always have dreams. And i can remember them to a certain extent.
And i just don't like how in my swim team, i don't have that closeness w/ everyone. Yeah on my old swim team, i could never really consider them my true friends... but i knew them, in a way that no one else could. I knew what they were capable of. No one knows me... and they don't know what i can do.
Pat seems to know... yeah Seems. I don't know what he expects of me. And that scares me to a certain extent.
last week he said that if i keep working out and working hard in practice the A relay shouldn't be hard to get on. Yeah right!
One, Alice Rouney does a fucking 1:08 in 100 (4 laps)brst
Two. Mina does a 1:06!!!!!!!!
Three, i do a 1:12! How the hell can i ever get on the A relay w/ those two on the team?! Yeah, it's not impossible... but it's certainly not with in reach. I've only swam a 1:12 once as of yet this season, the rest was a 1:13 and 1:15.
I know it's still early... but my shoulder hurts... it hurts even now... and it sucks... At first it didn't hurt at all, only in swimming... but now it hurts every day.
I need to do my exercises more... but even if i do 'em i don't know if they're doing anything...
My mom says she's really proud of me... i don't see why... yeah i'm surviving... barly.
I know i should call her, but i talked to her yestuday.
And i call her too much anyway.
So far our phone bill is coming to $103 and that's not good.
Fuck.. now it's 4:00.
Maybe i'll take a nap... heh... i know i've already sleep like 12 hrs... but i felt shitty even waking up then!
Ya know... it would be so nice, if i could just quit.
And forget all this shit.
but i can't. i wouldn't let myself.
but it's soo hard.
Maybe i'll play the Sims. and fuck up their lives considering my is.
I just wish my life was simple again.
Eat, sleep, school, and swim.
That was it! i didn't even have homework to do!
I don't see how most ppl live thru college... that's prolly why tons of ppl drop out.
i'm not going to drop out. But i don't understand why it has to be this hard when all i'm doing is trying to learn how to teach children how to fucking paint and draw!! Basic arts and crafts!!
That's all that it is!!
so many fucking complications...
and i doutb it'll get easier...
CheZ