Right now, my future contains me getting through finals. What then? Well, I work through the winter break. Then...? Spring semester starts, if I pass my praxis I can take my art ed classes. Then...? I work over the summer... Then... I get through to fall and spring, then I graduate...
Then what?
After that... what is after that? What is there for me to go after that?
Find a job, apply for grad. schools... something anything!
All these thoughts have gone through my head, where am I going? Will I get a job? First, will I pass the Praxis?
But then there are the other thoughts... I could just pick up and walk off. There's absolutly nothing here holding me to any obligation. The only obligation I have to my self is finishing school, because it is the right thing to do...
There is no more Josh. Josh and I didn't even have a future to begin with.
Bitter? No, not bitter. Disapointed, but only because I didn't feel we gave eachother a certified chance. Josh has lost himself, he is clueless about his future, his family is moving apart... and the list goes on.
So many things were riding against us. I was blind in my happiness. I didn't realize how unhappy I was. Strange how that works out. To be happy and to be miserable. Happy to be with him, miserable because I was not fulling my needs... I thought by being with him my needs were being met.
And now... I'm just as lost as he is. I know who I am, I am grounded in my ways... whatever they maybe. I will did not lose my personality... what I lost was my conviction. My motivation, to show myself through my art. I couldn't make art. I could not even begin a project for the one class that I care about the most.
That left me a drift without even seeing it.
Now, I now no longer have him. It's only been a week, to the day... Haven't been happy, really can't get happy at the moment.
Don't really want to get happiness from him either. I have to find that within myself. It's just the compaction of all these thoughts and emotions that make is so hard to see.
I walk through the day in a fog. I feel weight on my eyes even now... weight pressing on my neck and shoulders.
Yes, the future is far away. A year and a half to be exact.
Soon enough, that year and a half will come quicker.
chez