I was writting Josh a letter at work. I should have stopped, but I want something to get to him soon. With having the wrong address for the first one, I want the second one to reach his asap.
I was able to hide my emotions fairly well today... because I'm sick. So, here I am, with a ton of tissues in my lap, blowing my nose like a horn.
I didn't want to work today. I shouldn't have but my boss couldn't find anyone to work.
The first half of my shift was the worst. Trying to get my emotions out onto paper and trying to keep them in check is a hard thing. Once I finished the letter I felt better for a little while... then the thinking happened.
When all you do is stare at a pool, all you can really do is think. Of course, I think about Josh.
I just have to have the phrase, "I miss him," in my head and it start. I think this emotional onslot has to stem from him not calling me yesterday. He told me on Monday that's when he'd be able to call. I've just been looking forward to hearing from him... now all that build up was dashed away.
When I finally got off of work, I fell right into bed sobbing. Five minutes in and Belle joins me and starts sniffing my face. Probably wondering why I'm leaking... Belle disapears and I cry more. Next thing I know a I have cat flesh leaping towards me and nawing on my arm.
I thought for a second of dashing her away, but I just shake my arm and Belle has at me with teeth and claws. Then she bounded away. I reach to grap a tissue and the cat comes bounding back.
I'm her favorite toy. Expecially my hands, for whatever reason. She loves to just curl herself around my arm and chew.
If I have a shirt on, like I do now, I can get her pretty riled up. If I don't then I got to play it a bit more safe with her. Belle's not mean, she can be pretty gentle with her claws... but she is a kitten and does get carried away.
I don't mind though. It's all part of owning a cat, I have scars to prove it.
But with out her distraction, I'd probably be still sobbing. I know it'll hit me again. I was sobbing yesterday. It was the whole, watch TV, laugh then cry, moment...
I need time to calm down. Get my homework done and then fold Josh's laundry. His stuff isn't a trigger anymore, which is nice. It's just the loneliness. The deep ache that just comes with thinking of his name.
I have to keep telling myself it's only for 8 weeks. The thing is though next is 14 weeks. That'll be close to a 5 month trip. All I have to say is it better not be like boot camp. I better be able to have some contact with him.
I'm actually saving money now so that when I have winter break, I can fly down and see him. He'll be in A school getting his masters. If anything it will be less intensive. He'll be able to bring his computer and some more stuff to academy.
I'm just not sure where he'll be after that. He'll have more than 3 years left to serve. He will have to be placed somewhere for a year, and he's hoping for Japan. Then he'll be back for a year or two to a station of his chosing.
We'll see. There's time yet, and he'll know more when the time draws closer.
Thing is, this is the start of week 2, and I'm a bloody mess. I'm so tired of being a mess. I'm just tired.
chez