No, i don't know enough japanese to understand a complete sentence much less get a single word out.
But, i guess the reason for me adopting this is so that i can fall asleep. Otherwise, i keep myself up. Useless head of mine... all i do is think. Think about useless things.
I've watched a lot of romantic movies, so Brandon has been in my head.
Fucking cow boy. I'm not angry at him, i'm angry at myself.
Am i over him? Yes.
Have i called him? No. i called the last time.
Do you think he'll call you? Considering his calling record in the past, Nope.
Does this bother me? Enough for me to nag about it.
The questions and answers, with the if's and an's... Never ending!
What would have happened if i reacted this way or that?
No, i reacted the way i did because, that was who i am. Still am. By reacting it's neither postive or negative.
I've concluded that if i do fall in love, the only way i'll know, is if i can tell them, truely, everything and anything.
No hidding.
I hide a lot of things, i don't think most people are aware of how much i can hide. Being as open as i am... I'm shy but open.
I'm a fucking hypocrite with in myself.
I can come up w/ a whole list of all the contradicting morals/veiws/emotions, Me, basically. It never ends.
The biggest emotion, has to be anger.
I can love you and be loyal to you unconditionaly. Just because i show you that doesn't mean that i'm all in it tho.
I have to say my best friendship so far, has to be w/ Kiran... because of just what she's going thru right now, and how vunerable she is. It's nice to know that she so far has been the longest friendship i've had in awhile.
If she dropped me off the face of this earth for someother friend, if she came back, i'd still be loyal.
That's the kind of friend i am. Use me, abuse me, i can't get enough. I'll come back, no matter the costs to me. Until i get hit by a brick and come to my senses, which has happened (not literally, metaphorically)
So, in relationships, friend and out, if you've seen me angry. That's when you know you have me by a leash.
Brandon, i didn't want to get angry w/ him. I put him above the rest, the person that probably never could make me hurt and angry.
Boy, my prediction there was far off from the target.
By doing that, i neglected myself.
That's no good. I will say i was happy then, with him. We were a good match... but i think his issues exceded even mine.
I wish i could have the kind of happiness in a jar. Bottle it up, take a peek or a siff of it, and then be happy for the rest of the day.
If only...
I liked who i was when i was with Brandon.
So, do i like myself any less right now, any happier? I don't think i'm in the greatest of mentalities right now, but i'm surviving.
I get through each day.
I was dreading my painting today cuz it Sucked. It was hitting the suck button Really hard, so, i've been avoiding it. Once i covered all the bullshit paint, now i like it, and feel a whole lot better about it.
The pain of swimming has been biting me in the ass lately.
I've accepted that's something that i'll never live down.
I have my coach's wedding this weekend. I'm about to cry right now. The Bry Alumni will be there, we're the only one's invited. None of the youngers because, well, it's a team of over 200 kids. That would be an over crowding. Not even my lil bro's allowed to come and he's known John longer than i have.
It'll be great to see everyone. I miss it so bad.
Why can't i be 16 again? Naive to boot.
Yes, i've grown and learned... but to what costs? Yes, there have been some great things, but right now, if feel like most of those great things, are being out weighted.
Now, i'm going to lay my heavy head down... and pray for sleep.
chez