Not a depression of "Oh my god, my life is falling apart...", "All the right in the world is going wrong" or "Death..."
No, no, no... One if I ever became that type of person, I think I'd slap myself silly and two, if I ever thought about death I know I'm too much of a chicken to carry it out.
Today was just "heavy". I just didn't want to care about the 6 projects I have due this week, working, groceries, cleaning, and my newest (and now fixed!) problem of my cell (my primary phone) being disconnected.
My little brother got a cell phone for his 15th birthday. When they added the new line, they disconnected mine. Fucktards.
Anyways. My current issue is my 6 projects, last night I cried in class. 6 projects, all due at the same time. Due July 13th. Two bio's on authors/illustrators, two indepth studies of an illustration of a book that I will research, and two books that I make. Not to mention a book of all notes, organized till the cows come home, and dear god if it's not artfull I might as well die and retake the class.
That's what came down all around me last night. My cell was dead and the fact that I have to balance two classes and work, didn't sit well with me.
First time in a while that I cried myself to sleep. I don't think I've ever felt so alone. I couldn't contact anyone via phone and the realization dawned on me that this summer I'm not home. This is my first summer away from home. I've never been gone from home this long.
I'm finally growing up, and it scares me.
Granted I have it pretty easy for someone who's "growing up". I'm not bothered w/ too many bills and shit. But even my older brother hasn't done what I'm doing. He's 23 and he's living at home. He's never left Delaware. I've practically left the "nest".
I can tell you this, it's one of the most up rooting things.
So, this mornging I had all of this on my mind. All of it bearing down.
I'm thinking lessons are going to be good today. The water will be cold but the kids will survive.
When lessons start I have one of my kids from last week, Lucy and a new one Garett. Garett wouldn't walk away from his mom... I kinda chased him around his mothers legs trying to grab him. Only to find he's a good kicker and doesn't like to be held.
I get him away from his mother and then the tantrum starts. I suprised I nor the child got severly hurt. This kid was full on screaming and trying his mightiest to get away from me.
I got my supervisor Maggie to take him and he starts punching and kicking her. By then he was really screaming.
Leaving the terror w/ Maggie I take Lucy to the baby pool. As soon as we get in she starts.
She just kept saying,"Mommy." Over and Over... The whole fucking lesson.
Towards then end after cookies and play time, I get the kids sitting by the edge trying to get them in the water.
Not even 10 minutes into the lesson I get Lucky to smile and splash when she falls backward off the step of the pool and lands on her head on the pavement. I was out in a flash ready to pick her up when her mother grabs her out of my hands and races her off somewhere.
I'm so stunned that I just hop back in the pool look at Garett ask him if he wants in, he shakes his head, "No." I hop back out walk over to Lucy's mom, she starts crying when she sees me, probably thinking I'm a monster. I told her she's not going back in, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a thing that I didn't even do... but if that kid was down in the gutter where she should have been it wouldn't have happened.
Now I have to face the two of them tomorrow at 10am. I'm waiting for all hell to insue.
There was one thing that got me out of my funk. Kiran came to see me today with her boyfriend Nick. We went to the mall I bought a shirt and a cute beaded scarf.
I shouldn't have spent the money but damn, I needed something to cheer me up.
Also got to eat sushi today. Another plus. The past three nights, due to me not wanting to do anything but sleep, I've had pop corn as my dinner.
I don't recommend that.
Now I'm off to bed. I need to wake up, spend money on a book for my new class, and do as much homework that I can in a span of three hours.
All this after my horrible lessons.
I knew I'd get criers today. But damnit why'd it have to be a fucking evil kid in disquise of a shy kid?
chez