Nothing much to report other being majorly harassed by Josh and John today.
John hid my flip flop in the snack bar and Josh threw a bucket of water on me while in the stand. Not a dinky wash your car bucket... no... I think around a 10 gallon bucket half filled with nice cold water.
I then got off the stand in the middle of my shift with the help of a coworker and then poured ice water down Josh's back.
=)
I was pissed at first cause I did absolutly nothing to Josh. It was John that was messing with me, so it shocked me that he did it... but pay back was a better thought, the anger was quick and I got something equal to revenge.
I'm pretty much locked in my room right now even though everyone's in bed. Its awkward living with people now, expecially ones I don't know.
I was going to unpack, but my bed and tv were calling my name. I'm having a hard time with work... it's good work but by the time I'm at the end of my shift I'm wiped out and sick of being there.
Granted that's probably like every other job... but I guess it's just because this job is new to me, and it's not like any other guarding I've done before. It's like a YMCA but not. It's like a neighborhood pool but not. Meadowbrook is Meadobrook... it's of it's own league.
I miss my old life. I was reminiesing in the stand today... Thinking about my team and how easy swimming was. Comparing the team now and the team then... I miss it. While I absolutly hated my teen years, I think when I was swimming there wasn't anything that could shake me.
I swam yesterday on the masters team. My shoulders hurt, I am no where near my old times, but I surprised myself overall. I "died" the last set, at least I survived the hour.
When I swam there was nothing but the sport. I didn't care about my life outside of it.
The best way to describe it is when you are detached. Think of depression but in a possitive light. The thought of not caring and the hopelessness that can be brought with it.
It is an obsession, and no room for anything else. That's what swimming was. I had emotions but then I didn't. I put my soul into swimming and came out drained and numb. It made me able to get through the day. It made all my fears and worries nonexsistant.
Now I don't have it anymore, I've replaced it with art... but it's not the same. I can work to exhaustion, but still come home with the same harboring fears and worries.
The thing is I want that numbness back. I have complained before that I missed out when I swam, I missed out on life. It's true, I swam most of my teen years away... the years that I am glad that I did.
I was trying to tell my mom that most of my friends have commented me on not being happy.
I'm not happy, but I am content with life. I'm not going to sing life's praises right now. I'm not in depression, I don't know what I am in... whatever it is...
The bottom line is I am not happy. I don't know how to get happy. Other than to do work which makes me more unhappy day by day or try to do art with drains me day by day.
I have no happy medium. How does one get to that point in life? Where there is a medium and they just accept it for what it is?
I don't just want to accept it, I would like for me to forget a medium and go for the cash prize of happiness.
If only I could find a way to get to it... fucking life labrynths.
chez