I feel like someone punched me in the chest, that the valves in my heart have stopped.
It's over, all over. No more pain, and yet i'm in pain now... all to forgo more pain in the future.
What future?
He was the best thing that could have happened to me, but that's one experience i now have to push aside.
Only thing is, i can't predict any more, this was a random relationship to begin with... how am i now to get into another one?
I don't know how. I'm to shy to put myself out there. God, even Brandon knew how shy i was.
I just don't want to let go, but i have to or all i'll do is hurt myself more. I'm tired of hurting.
I hurts even more to see my mother in a good mood over this.
Eren asked me, "So, has your mother done a back flip yet?"
"i'm sure she's done two in a row when my dad told her."
But there's no turning back in this.
I'm not one to give second chances. I walked out that door, and god, it took me forever to get out his place.
He shouldn't have hugged me.
Do i love him, no. But i loved him a little. I love all my friends to a certain extent.
He was the first to care about me in a different way. How could i not be attached?
It would have been more of a mutual decision if i'm not a stuborn person and wanted to work it out... he didn't want to hurt me any more.
"It looks like you made up your mind..."
"It's the only solution."
That last hour... It hurt even more to know my feelings were refuted in away. He just didn't care about me the same way i did with him.
We both knew that.
God to be loved... only my cat loves me, totally and unconditionally. She's here now, purring and rubbing her head against mine.
It hurts even more to know that there might have a been a chance for love, but i'll never know now. There's no going back.
Meredith doesn't want me to turn into the girls that once they lose their virginity, they go do one night stands constantly.
I don't think i'll have anyone touch me again for a while. I know that for an absolute fact.
And this is why it hurts so much, because i have no one now to run to be affectionate.
I have my fucking cat.
My mom came into my room and was wondering why i was still crying.
It's because i can see myself alone for rest of my fucking existance.
What a way to predict a future.
chez