how the hell can i tell when i'm happy anymore?
I'm just... mellow now. There's no more emotion to me. I can't motivate myself, i just feel like i'm going thru the motions of living.
Smile by command. Smile for just smiling. It's just there to show something, some sign of life.
but i look at old pictures of myself, and i see empty expressions.
No life, no soul thru my blue eyes.
The only things i can truely say that i feel is just saddness.
Just this saddness of me not being able to be happy. How the hell am i sufficating myself?
Am i even true to myself in this diary? i can't even say if i am... cuz i dunno.
Happy, such a meaning less word. Who the hell is ever truely happy? We are all hyprocrites.
I wanna say that i'm like this because i know of what to expect when my Dad loses his job.
I know the debt we are in. I know the pain that my mom went thru to make sure we had food, clothes...
My Dad's optimistic about getting this new job... but me, i'm expecting the worst.
I have all these nice new things, things i've never had until now.
Boots. I've never had a pair of good black boots until this yr.
I got long tan ones last yr.
Clothes... dear god, hand-me-downs galor. All the clothes i own now, my mom bought.
Yeah, that sounds snobbish... but i can't buy my own stuff. I buy what supplies i need down here w/ my money.
My mom is trying to make up for the loss. I really didn't notice the loss until i was able to get more.
Damned spoiledness.
I'm just spoiled in general...
Ok, i'm too fucking moody to go on w/ this...
I'm just getting madder and madder at myself. So i'm going to quit now.
Heh, quit... damnit. Never mind.
CheZ