My back is worse. How the fuck is this trainer doing any good if it's worse?
I don't know what to do.
I hurt constantly now. I missed Bio. because of it, and i missed an important day... but i just needed a rest or i'd cry.
I'm about to now, cuz i'm soo burned out and my room mates dragged me to this bummble fuck resturant just to meet a guy.
A Guy!
I have a quiz and a test tomorrow. I thought i would be fun, but no i was missereable. I couldn't stop shaking, my back hurts, and Rikka wouldn't stop saying
"No Negativity!"
Am i not aloud to fucking voice my pain! I'm cranky. She was cranky when her back hurt.
I helped her when she was hurt. And i can't get anything in return. Plus ppl keep asking me how i'm doing... i'm going to tell them i feel terrible, i'm sure as Hell not going to force a weak smile on my face and say i'm fine!
What the hell!
I don't complain much, i don't put my problems on other ppl. And yet i get all their shit?
Where's the equality in that?
I was going to say fairness, but i hate the word fair. Or not fair.
Nothings fair. I learned that lesson before anything else.
Not only does it suck to have to sit here hunched over, i'm not allowed to swim. Nothing i can't. I can't fucking do shit other than Bike.
And i hurt. god i hurt. i'm so tired of hurting.
I'm tired of the pressure my mom and the pressure i put on myself.
"Em, is this the end?"
I don't fucking know. I don't want to quit. Swimming's my life. Swimming has always been my priority... where the hell do i go next when i don't have the reason i'm living first?
Yes, i have school. But that sure as hell not the same.
And i haven't been drawing long enought to call it my love. It's up there w/ swimming, but it doesn't come close when i compare them.
My god i hate this.
Pat prolly hates me, wait fuck it, i don't care if he hates me. The fact that i prolly would die if i missed practice tomorrow isn't what i should be thinking about.
But ya know, i would prolly kill myself before i get in Pat's way.
I hate break downs.
I had too many last yr. I last 5 weeks... compaired to 2.
I have 5 hrs of drawing i gotta do. I have my Art media homework. i have to paint the locker room tomorrow. I have a quiz and a test... a Math test. Bio i have a test next week. And i have a meet this weekend, which i'm not swimming.
Oh that and physical theropy.
I don't have enough energy to go thru the day to do this. I'm wiped out by 10am after morn' practice, i take a power nap and i'm off again.
Everyday.
Every fucking day this week it's been like this.
And now, i just crashed an burned and crying.
When i cry, i know i've had enough.
I don't know which thing i should quit first.
Me living... or swimming?
CheZ