and i have my final tomorrow... *sighs*
But it's take home.. so it kinda matters and kinda doesn't...
Actually it matters a lot. I got a C- on my midterm... >.< Ouch... so yeah... i need an A on this, baby.
If i don't... i have to answer to Dad... OO;;
Scarey thought.
He doesn't think much of me... He doesn't think i'm cabable of anything. He doesn't think i'm going to be successfull in life...
I mean... how sad is that? to have no Faith in your own child?
Chris and Andrew... oh yeah, they will be very successfull in life! Chris will be making the big money! And Andrew is to follow... the lil Golden Child.
and where does that put me? My dad was just praying that i'd get into a Community College!
*snorts* Thanx for the suport, Dad!
I'm the Princess, i get what i want.
It's given to me, i don't have to work for it.
-.-
For one. I work my ass off, for everything. I put effort, whether half assed or full out.
I still work for it.
And no pressure from Dad... no, just "do what you're cabable, Dear, i know you can do it, just ask for help."
Ask for help. *smolders* That's what my Dad has always told me.
"We'll get you tutors."
"Why don't you see the tutors in your study hall? Why didn't you see them when you needed help in math?"
One. I didn't need help. I got tutored for the fucking SAT's and you wanna know what... i went up 20 pts, instead of 150 that the program proclaimed.
I'm just a bad test taker... nothing more, nothing less.
Two. And as for tutors for study hall... most of the time there were too many ppl there, so i wouldn't get help. And i was stuck on one chapter. Material that i had never even learned. And the day i was sick and skipped the class, my teacher went over the material. *shrugs* Oh well...
But! I passed, and he was suprised i did.
Ya know... i'm glad i'm writting about this... this is motivating me to study... but! i still wanna go on...
Swimming. He expects me to take his advice on swimming...
"You need to attack the walls like everybody else... You're pull-out lacks the strength..."
OMG... he doesn't know wtf he's talking about. And acts like he's the God of the fucking sport.
Yeah, i do need to work on my turns, Given. But! Why is he giving me this advice when he doesn't know how i swim... doesn't know what i'm cabable of?
One day, driving to practice the other yr, he tried to Coach me.
Coach me! He can't even fucking stay thru a meet!
Every meet he comes to he leaves!! Or he's late and misses my event.
He almost missed one of my brst stroke events this yr... Oh... my mom was pissed, i knew she was. i could see the stress lines from the pool deck to where she was sitting in the stands.
And my mom has to apologize to me everytime... and i just tell her... "Eh, i'm used to it."
And i am.
But it fucking hurts.
I don't even know if i'm swimming any more.
I don't know what Pat is going to to do w/ me... i don't know if he sees anything in me any more...
Yeah, he was happy about my brst time and all... but ya know what... He reminds me of my dad...
I think that's why i'm scared of Pat, and always trying to plz him.
Cuz no matter what i do i can't fucking prove myself.
W/ John... he knew what i could do, and he would push me to make myself better... always strive for the Gold! You can do it!
But w/ Pat, Step up! Stop relying on the gold winners for this meet. Show me that you can step up and win!
w/ john... it was always for myself first, and him second.
w/ Pat.. it's win for the team, then him, and then myself.
I miss John so much. He was my second father... even tho our relationship was cut short because of college and me growing up.
I just miss being supported.
John would us me as examples for the younger kids. "You should work as hard as, Emilie. She gets good grades because of her hard work."
"Emilie doesn't slack in practice, she works for every second... and ever second she loses, she's earned it."
And yet guess what Pat saw me doing, "You need to work harder... i see you creating bad habits, and it seems whatever i tell you goes out one ear and thru the other."
You have no idea, how my work ethics in swimming has changed.
W/ John, yes i worked hard. But he allowed us breaks to recoupe.
But w/ Pat... "Gschweng! I want you going a 36 or lower!"
Yeah he's pushing me, and that's help my brst... but it hasn't helped me Tremendously...
This yr i just felt like i let my team down... and i let Pat down.
Omg... i am soo thankful for this break that i'm getting... however bad it is for me, considering i'm prolly one of the first ppl to get cut next yr.
When i go home, i'm going to go swim w/ John and Chris. I know they'll get me thru this. ^_^
I just need time to talk to them.
I just need to have the "father" figure back in my life... because my Dad has been lacking in it.
Our relationship when i was lil was great! Before Andrew tho...
Omg, being lil w/ my Dad being the Monster in the dark was great. That's one of my favorite memories of my dad.
Being the moster, trying to find us. ^_^
But then Andrew came along... and everything stopped.
And then i remember obviously Dad's anger side.
I'm scared of my Dad when he's angry... i almost called the police on him when he was yelling at my older brother. I thought he was going to kill Chris...
And one memory i will Never forget, is when i hit Andrew... Andrew being... geez, 3 at the time... which would have made me... 7. Andrew being that annoying lil brother, kept pounding at my door, and put marks in it, because he would use whatever sharp object was good.
So, one night he was pounding... run... pound... run... And i saw the indents on my door. I was furious. So the next time he came... i opened the door on him and slapped him.
Andrew ran away crying... and slammed my door and locked it... Next thing i know, Dad comes screaming up. Banging on my door, Me hiding in my covers for lil protection... then my dad broke my lock... and spanked me.
Now, he didn't spank me once. I don't even remember the number... all i know is that it was too many.
heh... that's prolly why i hate Andrew most of the times.
I could never say i love you to him. Until recently... cuz he keeps insisting on it.
But when he wants to hug me... i can't hug him.
I just can't...
And my mom keeps telling me, "He really loves you, you're his protector and his toy at the same time. You don't treat him like Chris treats him."
I don't treat him like Chris does cuz i hate being teased and told to shut up.
Chris treats Andrew teribly.
And it used to be that Andrew loved Chris because Chris was the "Older Brother" the idol.
For lil boys they need that... but now that Andrew is 12, he really doesn't need the Idol, he needs a friend. And Chris doesn't want to provide that.
I'll be Andrew's friend before i'll love him fully.
Andrew is everything i wish i could be... Oh god he's got a good head on his shoulders.
He's social and well liked. And just a great outgoing guy, the Ring Leader, as my mom puts it.
Oh ho... but he's going to be trouble for my mom... he's already got an intrest in getting drunk! *shakes head*
He is nothing like Chris and Me. I'll prolly kill myself before i get comfortable w/ drinking...
Andrew was too young when Mom had her drinking problem... but i remember... and chris the most of all.
So that affected us, and Andrew missed that great episode of our life.
Man, i must have been 8? Maybe. *shrugs* it know it was summer. I don't remember... i know i got counciling when i was in grade school... 5th grade, and i told my councilor about it.
Why the fuck was i put in counciling? I know it wasn't because of that episode... oh well.
Shit... studying!! Ack!
Yeah... this will have to be continued.
so i can have more sympathy tears in reflecting my tramatizing life.
Heh... oh This will be fun. ^_^
I'll continue into 6th grade... where i was shaped into the grl i am today.
CheZ