Yes, and no...
It fucking sucks to lose yourself a lot...
You think! that you gotta grasp but then it slips...
I thought i was me again, but now i don't know. I really don't know anymore.
So, my spring break started out nice. Playstation 2 every other hr. my art. Nice.
Then went to UD for a day.
I think this was the worst mistake of my life...
It was a great day, i wore myself out walking from one side of the campus to another. Saw Erika, Kiran, and the rest of the gang.
But, i have my past here... but would i have a future? Kristin, Stacey, and Sara... all hang out w/ the same ppl. And they still act the same. Sara... a lil different, but still the same personality ^_^ So when they'd talk, they'd go on tangets, lose me, and explain the situation or Drama...
So, i'm updated on their lives. But... i don't think they really cared about mine. Sara i know has apprecatied my insight and advise about Life. But now feel like I'm still just as miserable as when i left senior yr.
I got to hear about stacey's bf and kristin's problem w/ it... just how stacey's not around at all. I predicted that they'd hate eachother after awhile. It's different living w/ one another... I got to hear Sara's life of her first bf and why he dumbed her... her family drama w/ her mom (an on going affair), and i just heard Kristin and Sara banter at eachother for an hr about these guys that Sara "likes" (don't know if wants more than friendship, i don't know) but it just made my head hurt the whole time because they'd be explaining and then i'd have both sides staring at me... I was just backed into a corner with a dumbfounded expression on my face...
I think out of them all... i've changed the most. When you meet new ppl and have new influences, yeah you're gonna change... Dear god have i changed...
I don't want to transfere. That's the last thing on my mind. But i want my past w/ me at Towson. I want someone there i can talk about old times... Bridget talks to her bf all the time, and even tho he's far away, they always see eachother maybe every other month or so. I haven't seen anyone from my past since last June. W/ the exception of Megan (swimmy friend) in oct/nov (can't remember which) at the Woodswork concert.
Kristin, Stacey, and Sara all have said they know someone from highschool in one of their classes for the semesters that they've had. Do i want that kind of past lurking behind me? Or do i want to move on... living a new life, and even a new persona?
I don't know.
I don't know which is better...
Towson or Delaware.
Yes. I hate DE, because of k-12. But college is totally different... and then again it's not..
Here's the thing. Kristin is now being accused of Likeing alcohol a lil too much. I personally should be a judge and watch.... but then the whole issue came up... Can you have fun w/o drinking?
I fucking can. I live w/o it. I have no need for it.
But everyone i know, w/ the exception of my room mate, can't live w/o it. They have to use it as a means of fun.
The bottle of fun! Buy it today!
Fuck off.
Drugs... pft.
Go ahead and use them. If you want your reality distorted. Fine, i could give a flying fuck... but it's just frustrates me, how just because i don't fucking do it, that there's still pressure on me to try it. To experiment.
OH nothing wrong w/ experimenting. That's how you figure out whether you like something or not. No, i don't eat pees, but i'll eat carrots!
Don't knock it till you try it.
I haven't tried weed. but i'll resort to my own fantasy world, thank you.
As for drinking. I don't feel safe. And if i don't feel safe, there's no way your getting me drunk or even tipsy.
Before we sat down and talked after dinner. Stacey, Sara, Kristin and I, i was having a good time.
Coming back from dinner, we got on the subject of underware, and i told them i was wearing a thong and that shocked them... and as i was turning a corner i ran into a guy and squeaked, but as i was turning into him i said the word thong! So yeah. Not embarrassing... i didn't know the guy, so pft... but we were laughing all the way up to the 16th floor and it hurt so bad because 3 of us needed to pee really really badly, omg it hurt to laugh that hard... but it was prolly the greatest moment.
Then we sat and talked. And Kristin got in a "mood"... she's pessimistic. And we kinda got on her case about it. And then it went on tangets and brought back... she wasn't too happy about it. Then Kristin got on this whole summer plan. That's what pissed me off. The Summer Planning. Going to the beach, spending time w/ eachother... I really just wanted to die.
I work right after finals. I have to. I have to pay for college. These grls get so spend money left and right. Yes, i went to florida. I'm not saying i haven't gotten around. But... it just sucks that i never get to do things, because i have to make the sacrifice where it seems that they don't.
I have no scholerships. i don't have extra money. the money i'm using is my savings that i've put in since i was 13 and what my parents put in. Yeah i don't have it as bad as others. And i feel bad for bantering like this... but i have no one to talk to about this. My mom... maybe. But i don't want my mom to know everything. For god's sake! she gave birth to me! and i've caused enough pain thru child birth, i think sparing her this of this shit will lighten whatever other load i've but on her.
Maybe i need a theripist. wait... more money *moans*. Not on my list of things that needs to get paid.
but yeah, went on a tanget.
I know i make sacrifices because of the things i love, like swimming and art. But i Have to give up swimming soon... i'm not the greatest on the team. I'm not even close... and i don't think i can do it for another 3 yrs, only 1 more. Because of my major. *sighs*
I don't want to think about losing swimming right now...
Back to my friends... they are really closed minded. And i think Sara kinda realized it w/ my converstations w/ her. I didn't think i had a good insight of life, but apparently she think she does. I just look a the logic of it and look on the brighter side.
If it's a day, eh, it's a day. But it will get better and it will get worse. But i'm not going to wait for the bad day to come. It'll come when it needs to.
Kristin, expects the bad days to come just because there was a day where it was good, and then she worries. "Oh, it'll only get worse. No point in hoping a good day will come again."
*shakes head* Poor grl. W/ her parents divorced and stuck b/t them, it's hard to see the bright days. Also her mom complains a lot and lets her frustration out on Kristin... Parents, the ppl that fuck up their innocent kids.
I know i'm messed up, too. We all are. How do you think society was made that way?
And it's also the fact that we're all individuals, and think in all different ways.
Maybe one day cloneing will cure all that, lol... ^_^hahaha
Ok, it's 2:15 and i've branched off into other subjects too much. I'll go into more detail tomorrow.
Ah.. home for one more day. And i have a kitty who wants to purr and cuddle w/ me.
And i'm off, to my world of wicked dreams. Cuz that's all i can do. Dream of a better life, one where my past meets my future somewhere that's call present.
CheZ