Josh told me i'm real.
I agree and disagree.. unfortunatly our convo was lost due to my computer's stupidity.
Yes, computers are stupid. They don't do the things i want when they're programed to do... then they're stupid.
No wait... got it.
Well, i'm sorry computer, you're smarter than me... You just had to be a jackass and hide the file.
No wait... again my stupidity.
Exild Fox: one of the reasons I like having you as a friend, is that your real
Exild Fox: does that make any sense?
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: um... i guess? i know i'm a real person reality wise.... i take up space ^_^
Exild Fox: well, I mean real in that your not like so many fake people around here. your just you, like "what you see is what you get". and in a way, that makes you so much better a person
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: thanx, wish i felt that most of the time tho
Exild Fox: you don't?
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: i don't feel like that around people i'm not comfortable w/, i put a front on. They see me in a different light.
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: It's dimmed, while others get the full brighteness w/ no shadow i guess is the way i put it
Exild Fox: that's not true
Exild Fox: it's a part of everyone, we don't open up to everyone we meet. those that do are sluts and pyschos
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: lol
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: yeah, everyone has their defeneses or mask... whatever you wanna call them. but i feel more like a "real" person when i don't have to deal w/ them
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: i feel like my defeneses are my weaknesses
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: my mom bought me a pair of socks... only there's just one sock
Exild Fox: why?
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: just one sock...
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: what the fuck am i supposed to do w/ one sock unlike all my other socks?
Exild Fox: if you didn't have them, you'd end up drinking and sleeping around like everyother lifeless ordinary
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: see i catorgize my defenses differently from my morals. Morals are like having faith in yourself not to do what you don't think is right. Defenses are what keeps people out.
Exild Fox: defenses are what save some people... they're only natural
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: i dunno how to explain it... but i regret most things about me. that's the only way i can explain it.
Exild Fox: :-(
Exild Fox: sounds more like a self confidence problem
Exild Fox: just need to get more compliments ;-)
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: it's not compliments... it's just being around more ppl who i know i can be confident w/ and not give a care for the world.
Exild Fox: hehe
Exild Fox: gotcha
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: like, i can say i like your hair... and really hate it. Which has happened to me many a times, i can just see the inital look on ppls faces and then they say the meaningless words...
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: one grl came up to me in highschool and asked me "Why did you do that to yourself?"
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: my comment back was "I was bored."
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: i gave her credit for saying that, cuz she was the first person to tell me that she didn't approve of waht i did to my hair
Exild Fox: heh
Exild Fox: well, if need be, I'll be honest with you anytime you want :-)
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: thanx, that's all i ask.
Yep, i have low self esteme and proud of it. Ha...
I don't get myself half the time. I really don't. I just bought a ton new clothes, Rob, now you really don't have to go through my wardorbe because i Have grly stuff... it's just getting me to wear it is the difficult part.
And i bought a new make up.. yad yadda yada.. now i have to movtivate myself to actually wear it on a regular basis...
My mom's trying to get to feel better about the whole me looking gay. So i bought 3 skirt, and 3 really comfy/ low rise pants.
Her coment was,"it comes w/ the territory..." meaning the art world. Everyone's going to suspect.
I'm not chaning who i am... i dunno, this is going to be an experiement. I wonder what i can prove w/ it...
Oh and jewlery.
It felt so nice yesterday looking thru my old clothes and remebering how proud i was of myself wearing such things... Just to piss off people.
I knew people hated the way i dressed. And i mocked them even more.
I can't mock people here. I miss that edge. So many things i miss about highschool... Just lil things. The big picture tho, i wouldn't re-live the experience if God gave me the chance to live my life again.
There are a few key things tho... that i guess would make me want to go back to re-living... if i ever did get the chance tho.
AP English w/ Erika, always was enjoyable.
Sophmore year, it was when i first met Erika and we were just becoming friends, and it some time after she told me she was gay... and she hit on me. Dear god, that scared the shit out of me. I wrote a 4 page note to Erika about how she scared me. And after i wrote it... and gave it to her, did i really think on it. "My god that was stupid..." And then couldn't stop apologizing for days.
Erika, you and me had some rocky times in the begining. My head was hard as a rock, and your presence definatly dulled my ignorance. We had some uncomfortable talks you and i, but i think that was just because i didn't understand who exactly you were and what type of personality you had.
How did we fucking met, dude?
If it was thru Julia then i'm going to shit a brick. I don't want to give her any credit of our friendship.
You were always aloof. That's for sure... Just from the whole group that i was in.
Julia... i knew her from 5th grade. She was my best friend when i was little. Lost touch with her in middle school... but we found eachother again in highschool. She looked like a pretty roughed up child. I think it was the fact b/c her parents were divorced... i guess i dunno.
Now looking back at the whole incident w/ her and our group leader Kiran, i don't think what she did was that immense. It really really hurt when she betrayed us, tho. Geez, her hurting my core group of friends, was the last straw on my trust factor w/ people. My trust for people was weak before hand...but she was the last blow to it. Its been what... geez almost 3 years? Close to 3 years ago when it happened...
I'm not going into detail as to what she did to my group... to be honest, i don't remember all too much about it.
Heh, thank god.
Ah, Kiran... Kiran is Kiran. I can just sit and watch her. All i want to do is watch her. Her movements are fast and deliberate. She knows what she wants and has the connections to get it. I know i'm her lackey. I'll admit it. But to be in her presence, you just get awed or at least i do.
She would drag me everywhere when i was a junior. There wasn't a day when i couldn't find Kiran. Hehe, cherry bomb latex protection. She would have some weird flavor of "latex protection" at the bottom of every note.
I still call her Queenie. Or Queen Bee. For she needs to be ruler of this world. She's that intense. She is the most dominate personality i've ever met in my life. More so than the grls i live w/ combined.
How i came in contact w/ Kiran still baffles me today.
Then there's Sara, aka Fluffy Bunny. I've known her since 2nd grade... and i actually hated her at one point. I was friends w/ Cathrine Ford and she was too... and all we did was fight over Cathrine. Pretty stupid things for us to be doing in grade school...
Anyway, she's shy but a very uh... sparky grl. Sparky as in, there are hidden strengths in her. And when she'd get mad or excited she would just get the energy about her. I was closest to her in the group senior year after Kiran graduated... She was my only link into the group at that point. Even though i had a class w/ them i was still excluded.
Senior year our group just fell a part.
I had a lot of vehemence towards the group at the end. I still feel a little betrayed by them. Even though i will stand by them. They were my friends, even if i don't talk to them often and i know we'll lose touch...
They're living their lives... i'm living mine. It works hand in hand.
They never made the time for me. Friends make time, some way... after awhile they just stopped trying and caring.
Kristen, Kristin? Damn, i forget whether it's an i or an e... whatever.
She was the spaz of the group. Teeny bobber is the best way to describe her... nothing else will. Always smiled, even w/ her pessimistic attitude... she somehow made herself smile.
I give her credit for that... cuz i sure as hell can't.
Then tagging along w/ Kris was Stacey... the twin (not actual... it was her and Kris' nice name the Midget Twins) of Kris, but Stacey i never really got a good read on her. She and i... our personalities just didn't go well. I tried. But the only way to describe Stace is as the dare devil. She did everything the other grls could only have dreamed.
She did it all and then some. And some how she's friends w/ Justine... how is beyond me.
Justine, i don't consider her part of the group. Never was. She as like... god.. Ugh i don't even wanna know what she was like. She's just annoying, a leach. I didn't get to know her, but i didn't like her from the start.
There are some other people who were add ons... but they were all from my senior year. They never really were the core.
Then there's Esha and Melissa.
Esha... there's no way to discribe her. She's just has so many, i don't even know how to describe her personality, it's that just i dunno, loss of words for her.
If you met her you'd understand i guess. I guess...
Then Melissa, who i call Rabbit/Usagi. She's a very low key person... doesn't have a whole lot of emotion to her. Fun to beat up. Just to get her mad was my highlight of the day. That and watching anime w/ her.
I still have yet to really understand Rabbit and the way her mind works. Her and Esha both... Geez, i don't think i'll ever understand those two fully...
Well, time for bed. It was nice to reflect. I just have to make sure i reflect the positives more than the negatives.
No one likes a sour puss.
CheZ