And no, i didn't to it Literally. It sure as hell felt like it tho...
i had my final art critique. And, man, i was nervous. My voice was shaking... i was just a wreak.
So, i start talking and i'm trying not to show my fear or my nervousness but my minds running ahead of me, and i had to catch up so...
"Well, in my school days, i was teased, harrassed, and verbaly abused."
And i just got all wide eyes, and blank stares.
And my piece... well, it's all red. Inside is all red. Torn pages of my diary in the back. Pictures of me as a child and only two semi current ones. But what i did was, i made a doll to represent me, and i pasted her to the corner and paste notes over her to trap her.
I think i really shocked them. One grl was like,
"I don't know how to relate, i've Never had that happen to me."
Lets just say, she one of the lucky ones.
So, after that my nerves start to wear down my voice starts shaking... i'm falling apart in the middle of class!
I'm afraid to show my mom this piece... she knows that i wasn't popular in school. And i know i tell her everything, but i don't think she really understands how much this has hurt me.
But she and dad are going to see it, cuz i gotta back it and take it home!
*siiighs*
And now i'm downloading hanson music to chear me up. lol. I'm pathetic... it's happy and up beat... i need something to distract me.
I practically know all the words to the songs that i'm listening to right now. Heh, it's funny. How i don't want to remember my past right now, and yet... Hanson was big during the time i was middle school.
Now that i'm college, it's like my past doesn't even matter. And yet, it made me who i am today.
And it Fucking sucks.
I think part of me is afraid to go home... I know i've mentioned this before, but i don't want to be what i was, before i cam here.
I'm afriad of the ppl i work w/ because i've know them for a while. All the ppl that i work w/ at the Y, i either swam w/ them, knew them thru another person, or went to school w/ them.
Another thing i'm afraid of, is what's swimming going to be like?
I know it's not going to be the same, because while John is still the head coach... he's not coaching. Another guy that i know is, and he reminds me of Pat, but he's like john, just a big teddy bear.
And when i went home 2 weeks ago... i was swimming, and the grls hid the practice sheet. They put them among the kick boards, and Chris couldn't find it. So they start giggling and tell me... and i'm like, ok fine whatever...
The he finds it, and he's pretty pissed. And one grl gets mad cuz the set he gave us, wasn't on the list, and it was harder.
I already know, this new grl and i... Oh, we are going to be battleing. She was bitching, and i just told them flat out, "You guys brought this apon yourselves". And the stares i got was hilarious. Some of the grls that i've swam w/ for yrs just looked blankly at me.
I wish i could give them one day w/ Pat.... and see how good they have it.
So many what-if's are going thru my head right now... I just can't sit here and not wonder what's going to happen to me...
I think i'm going to be productive and try to clean my room... that will definatly distract me ^_^
CheZ