No matter how hard i try... it's just not possible. It's like i'm in a fucking rut.
I still feel like the vunerable grl in highschool.
And it sucks.
I want to be social. But i don't know how... i try to attempt to start converstations, but i feel like i'm "annoying" them.
It's like, I know when i'm not wanted. Heh... i sure as hell know that sense from highschool.
I don't mind it. I'm used to it... however sad that is.
And i know i'm making it out to be, "Oh, it's My Fault... I'm just to weird for these ppl. I'm strange, i've always been."
But that's not it. It's also the ppl, too.
But these situations are so new to me. I'm so sheltered, not matter how much i think i understand a situation... i'm totally in the dark just feeling my way.
I need to embrace my vulerability. Ha! the shrink in me telling me this...
Fuck Off.
I'm who i am. No matter how my view and ideals change. I'm still the little grl, trying to survive in a world that seems not to accept me.
Will i ever be accepted?
Part of me wants to be. And then my other side is just like. Just fuck off society. Screw you. They don't need you, you don't need them.
But it's not that way. When i didn't have a social life... when i only had swimming, school and sleep. It didn't matter. I had ppl that liked me and that was the end of it.
It ended there. My social life was school. I didn't socialize outside of school.
Then swimming.... I didn't even have true friends on the swim team. They were just "there". You didn't ask ppl about their life outside of swimming. You left your shit outside the door and kept it that way.
I keep wishing it could be like the past. I just want to be in my room, alone... Have the walls around me and just stay there.
No drama.
No society.
Just my books, my music, my art, my cat, and myself.
Simplicity.
Just what i like.
And now since i'm open to a lot of ppl... their lives, their problems, and their boyfriends or grlfriends... I just want someone to understand me. And what sucks, is that i've been craving for a guy to like me... and i don't like the craving i just want it to go away. I don't want to be loved and yet i do.
Fuck it. Everyone wants to be accepted. I don't want to be accepted by society, Fuck society. Just give me 3 ppl or more. And i'll be in bliss.
Bridget understands me. And i think one of the reasons i'm feeling this way is cuz she isn't here. Dear God, i'd even get depressed when Christine wasn't in the room. And she doesn't even know who i am!
I think another reason why i'm depressed is cuz... i don't have anyone from my past here w/ me. I really miss my old friends. No matter how detached we've become and how much i've bitched and moaned... And yeah i talk to Erika non-stop online, but i'd like to visably see her.
Dear God, the image of seeing Megan, one of my swimmy friends that i've know since i was 12... When i saw her at the Woodswork Concert in October, I remember just being soo happy seeing her. Just knowing... I'm not the only on here. I'll be fine... and i'm trying to get the feeling again. I'm happy here, and yet i'm not.
I'm not home sick. Yeah i miss my family... but... i need my friends right now.
I'm tired of just dealing w/ my problems alone.
I'm tired of Sucking it Up.
I'm Tired of other PPl's Shit. What about me?
Where am i in all this? I don't know. I don't know where i am, i don't know who i am half the time.
But my problems are so trivial. I don't even know if i have "problems", except for being lonely.
I need to be shot.
Misery loves company.
But it's also company that erases the misery sometimes... You can never win in the game of life.
You'll always regret. You'll always think back... damn, if only...
Do i regret. Yes, but i'm now i'm just accepting the fact that the past, is unchangable.
I'm living right now. If i don't do something, that's just my problem.
One regret i do have is missing out my freshman yr of highschool in swimming, what would have happened if i had swam w/ John that one yr? I dunno... but oh well.
I always give advise about how to deal w/ life's situations... when am i going to get advise?
Arctic Sprite: COLLEGE HAS MORPHED YOU!!
Arctic Sprite: COME BACK!!
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: haha. yes, it has
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: it does that to everyone tho, but i can't come back. i like it here more than i like it at highschool
Arctic Sprite: I see
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: so yeah... i guess no matter where the fuck you go, you still stay in the same social status. either that... or it's cuz i don't drink
Arctic Sprite: well
Arctic Sprite: it's not like you can talk to everyone, you know?
Arctic Sprite: and you don't have to drink to be accepted or whatever
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: right... but there's still the "pressure" cuz if you're sober you see how much fun everyone's having when drunk
Arctic Sprite: pressure sucks
Arctic Sprite: but I'm sure you're smart enough not to fall for it
Arctic Sprite: screw what everyone else does
Arctic Sprite: you'll just fuck yourself up if you follow everyone else
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: don't i know it...
Arctic Sprite: yeah
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: *sighs* oh well...
Arctic Sprite: just don't worry about it too much..sometimes it's good not to socialize with everyone.
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: i don't want to socialize w/ everyone... just ppl
Arctic Sprite: just socialize with your friends
Arctic Sprite: if you worry about socializing with everyone else, then you'll get all nervous
Arctic Sprite: just socialize with others when you feel like you WANT to
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: but it's not that simple... these are swimmers, it's a totally different relationship than my actual friends
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: yeah i swim w/ them... but i don't know them
Arctic Sprite: that's fine
Arctic Sprite: you don't need to
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: how so?
aLiCeGoNeMaD84: if i don't know them... if they don't know me... wouldn't i still be standing in the corner?
Arctic Sprite: if you don't want to socialize with them, then don't. It's not like anyone's forcing you. Just be yourself.
Arctic Sprite: Then just go up to them and talk
Arctic Sprite: and if you don't feel like it, then don't
Arctic Sprite: do it when you feel like you want to
Arctic Sprite: not like you have to
Damn, i wish it was that simple.
CheZ