I don't know if my hormonal body is hightening that fact, but i feel like i know i've lost something, but it's somewhere near me.
I miss swimming now. It's taken me awhile to actually notice the effect, but now that i miss it, and i know i can go back. It just hurts.
There's nothing i can do. I can't go back because of Pat. He isn't the right coach for me. But i want to swim, for a team. I miss it. I miss that part of being a group.
But as a whole, it's the the best thing for me. It's prolly be the worst thing for me.
I've been wondering, "would Pat take me back?" But my friend Jess told me, "you know you don't want to come back. I shouldn't even be swimming w/ my schedule."
But then why doesn't she quit? I did.
If i understood where Pat is coming from, they i wouldn't have quit. I just don't get who he is. I don't know what he thinks. There's no way to understand that man. I'm surpized he has a wife w/ 3 kids!
Me quitting, has been the best thing that i've done for myself. I know that.
I just don't think my art is taking my love for swimming's place. Meaning, i love art, but swimming is what i love.
It's like love at first sight i guess, and who ever you love first, the person you love second has to messure up against them.
It's unbelievable that i just said that... but for that case it's true for me. I loved swimming before i loved art.
Swimming was a struggle for me. I hated it in the beginning. But i grew to love it, for all of it's harships.
I sacraficed a lot for that one love. It's probably one of the reasons why i've never dated or had a social life. It's because i felt complete with it.
Yes, i guess you could call it obsession. For a sport, all atheletes are obsessed.
And now it's gone... i don't feel complete and i'm trying to find things to replace it. But my search isn't going well.
I'm behind. With society in general. I've always turn my back to that, but i can't escape it. Not when i'm living in on a college campus.
I have a lot of running to do to catch up.
And every time i encounter something, i dig my heels in and refuse to budge. Refusing to give in to what society considers the norm.
I want to catch up.
But i can't. Mentally and physically i can't.
I'm going to be 20 next week. And each day i'm getting older, and each day i'm losing ground because all i'm doing is standing still. Trying to figure out, should i turn back or go forward?
chez