So, while exploring the options, i found that i can just organize all my music.
I go into my anime section. I haven't listened to this stuff since highschool.
I mean, this was when i was an Anime otaku, a freak in other words... i'm less of one now, but god, i'm being bombarded by memories.
I'm almost to tears right now.
Because highschool meant swimming. Swimming ment listening to endless music while waiting to swim.
Or screaming the songs on the top of my lungs in my car.
At least now i can actually pronunciate a little better than before considering i know more about the language.
I've been forced lately to think about swimming and the concequences of it all due to my speach class.
It was for a 2 min speach, and i decided to talk about swimming because i had no other experience to talk about that i've learned from.
I talked about my decision last year about leaving the one thing that i came to college for. Being an Art Ed. major was the second thing in my life at that point.
Senior year of highschool sucked for art, my grades weren't going to get me into school, only swimming was. So, i opted for the latter.
Only now, where am i?
No swimming, Art ed., and feel like my life has taken a turn, not nessicarly for the better.
When i was swimming, i could talk about all the things i missed when i was swimming. Like having relationships w/ guys, having a social life, just being a person that had no real responsibilities besides school and maybe a job.
But now that i'm not swimming, those are trivial. I don't care i didn't get to do then, i care what i'm not doing now, and that's swimming.
Yes, i plan on going to Japan. I'm trying my damnest in all my school work, art comes easy... it's just i have that element i'm missing.
A piece of me is missing, and it fucking sucks to no other.
Yes, i can swim on my own time... but it's not the same.
In swimming i like the fact that i don't chose, someone choses for me, and all i have to do is listen to them.
No worries, no responsibilites. Nothing but water.
Granted, it was never like that normally, there was always something going on w/ the team. But the fact that there was no world beyond the pool deck made it my world.
One that my coach controled and i bowed to his demands. All i had to do was swim, and all would be taken care of.
Through swimming, it ment i never Ever had to grow up.
Unfortunatly, my body was telling me otherwise. I lost my youthful strength. While i agained it, what i mean is the strength to constantly drop time. I flattened out.
I miss it so much.
It's like the pain of a death in the family, a break up between a significant other... i feel like i've had my limbs cut off from me.
My mom always says to me, "At least you made it to your goal, you swam in college."
"I may have swam in college, but i didn't finish the goal. I didn't finish the whole 4 yrs."
I think that's my biggest issues.
Not finishing that goal, having to change my goal.
I'll admit, i'm a better person without swimming, but acknowledging that doesn't change anything.
While i love art, it was only 2nd best.
This thought just came to mind... why did i have to have the body of an average swimmer. Why can't i be that olympian? I have the mind for it, i have the dedication for it...
The body doesn't fit the mind, and there for will always be in conflict.
chez