Mad Hatter spiked his own tea....
07.05.02 - 9:35 pm

*growls* Alrighty. Ya know what... i should be at the party now. But guess what... i'm not there. Why?? Cuz when i got there, there was no one!! Yeah!! I was damned lucky even to find the right house!! Christine's (another lifeguard) father decided to come home today... that's what she said... from where i don't know. So, the party was canceled. *sighs* wow. everytime i want to be social.. i become anti-social with in... 25 mins. Yeah. Took me 25 mins to find her house... then she told me and i drove back home. I don't have party connections. I'm a loser. No one has invited me to parties. None in highschool. Nada, Zip. I'm just in a mighty foul mood. I don't care that the party is canceled.. i wanted to see Frank, damnit. I'm such a bimbo... argh. Yes, he was one of my other other reasons. And now... i'm not. Well... there is a plus side... no one is going to try to get me drunk. No.. cuz i'm a good lil girl... -.- and i came straight home after i went to christine's house. I have no social life.

I talked to King of Hearts ... heh.. yeah. He still likes me oo;; and when i talked to him my crush came back. WTF. I'm messed up. I really really am. This never happened in school. and it's freaking me out. The fact i have 2 crushes, boggles me. I'm insane. Yes 2, it is a very big number. I have a hard time adding zero's. lol. I haven't talked to him for atleast a month. And he still wants to go out w/ me... persistant lil bugger. but i'm afraid. afraid to like some one too much. That's why i strickly keep it to crushes. Tis it. Nothing more. Nothing more will hurt me. No hurt... no pain. Makes my life a hell of a lot easier. It's hard to accept a person likes you.. when you thought all boys hated you. And i don't think KOH gets it. *sighs* i want to let him down... and then i don't. Wierd wierd combination. When your life was filled w/ taunting children you kinda have to feel like the world doesn't like you. I have myself. That's it. Only me and my family. I don't know if i can love anything else. Swimming and art take up the rest of my heart. Where the hell am i going to put a potential boy friend?? Oh yeah i know... i'll just stuff him in my pocket and pull him out when i need him. yeah right. Great reality emilie. *appludes self* sick sick grl......

I'm such a wuss. I can stand any pain from swimming. I don't care if i lose. I don't care if you try to bring me down by bragging. But you mess w/ my defences then you'll go down.

Uh oh i think i'm head into self pity soon.. i just had a train of thought but it went away.. i know it'll come back.

*sighs* Another thing... you mess w/ my art... oh ho!! dude. my art. it's my life at certain points in time. last yr it's all i could think about.. this yr my art teacher told me i need to see a shrink and bacially killed my passion. My art this yr was depressing. First a drawing about suicide. I'd never commit it... but there ya go and i almost finished it on 9/11!! Cowinky-dink?? i don't know. My execelence in drawing.. i had a angry portrait of me-self::title:: twisted spiral. For the same project but a different drawing, i had an abstract view of things shattering and breaking apart. See a pattern yet?? I had to make a wooden relief. That thing was full of holes. The only thing that really wasn't dark and depressing was my painting. I even forget what i called it. I don't think i even named it. The project was to pick and artist and do a painting in a similar style. I chose Vassily Kandinsky. He did his work to form music... very abstract. So i did mine to my fave song. Sum 41 In Too Deep. Now i think about it.. even that one was depressing. The dark objects were supressing the other lighter objects. Eh, oh well.

Well, time to go watch cartoon network and watch my anime ^_^ even if dubbed... it's good.

We ArE aLl MaD hErE...

Chez

ps. wow the pity me thought didn't come back. ha!! kick it's sorry lil ass didn't i?!

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