When i'm buzzed or drunk, i'm very open... i even like to be touched (not groped) but like a hug or something.
But when i'm sober...
Last night everyone was out in the common room chilling, and i'm sitting there trying to do my japanese work... When Jarod decides to sit next to me. He put his arm around the back of the couch and i give him the ~what are you doing~ look.
"What?"
"What are you doin'?"
"Oh, nothing..."
"If that's your arm behind me, it may get bitten off soon."
So i go back to studying, trying to ignore him. And he inches closer. I glare again, and he inces even closer.
I put down my note cards and cross my arms. I didn't notice before, but i got really ridged, i just tightened up.
Then he inched to the pt where he was touching me, so i jabbed in him in the ribs for it.
"Hey, what's that for?"
"...."
"Oh fine, i get it... you don't like me. But i like you..."
"...."
"Oh come on now, don't you like me as a friend?"
"Now your pushing it."
He got up and went over to sit next to Ty the same way he did to me, but he didn't even inch over and said:
"Now, this doesn't bother you does it Ty?"
"Nope, you're nice and cuddley." And she put her head on his shoulder.
I knew it was a jesture to piss me off. But all it did was just realize how up tight i am around guys i don't trust.
I sure as Hell don't trust Jarod. Nice guy... but no.
And then there's DJ (Jarod's roommate). Both of them are after me some way or another...
"Yo, Em."
"Yo."
"You and me need to hook up sometime."
"I don't think it's going to be anywhere near this life time, DJ."
"Oh come on..."
"DJ. The thing is, it's not the type of thing i do. Yeah, it's Just Hooking up. But it's more of an issue w/ me. So... no offense, but... it's just a problem w/ me."
"None taken..."
It just weirds me out... on how my past, which happened 13 years ago. Still affects me now.
I don't even remember when i started to think i wasn't a virgin. I think it was a little between the 3rd and 5th grade. I know i got the sex education in 5th grade... and i remember sitting through class thinking about my whole incedent. Just wondering if i really had sex when i was 6...
I've always thought i looked at it as a trivial thing. It happened when i was 6. Nothing i can do now to change that.
But it was whenever i learned what a virgin was... that i started to think that i wasn't pure. That i wasn't a virgin. And the whole time i was... i just didn't know enough about sex to truely figure out that i was and am a virgin.
And it sucks to realize that i've been trying so hard to keep my purity, and also disregard it.
Damn, all last yrs entries can prove that!
The fact that a senior wanted to corrupt me into a naughty lil freshman... And i would deny being pure mentally, but be pure physically.
I'm so fucked up.
It sucks have these conflicts. From the time i was probably 9 till i was 15... i did not think i was a virgin.
6 years i went throught that mentality.
And even when i did figure it out... i tried to "test" the theory of it.
Yes, i did have some sort of sex and i am a virgin. But... when you have sex it means that your not a virgin...
But what about the blood? I didn't bleed...
It was like trying to figure out an answer to an equation. But every time i found an answer, i found another question that followed.
And at some point in highschool, i just said to myself. You either are or you aren't.
But even now i don't really believe it...
In highschool, i think i even just blocked that part of my life out. I just didn't want to think about it... but even then i was harrassed. 10th grade, some ass whole rubbed his hand down my side while in class, and repeated it. By the time i got the guts to grab his hand... the bell rang.
I reported him, and brought up my whole incedent when i was 6 w/ my administrator. But she did nothing...
I forgot it, and left it be.
I just didn't want to deal w/ it. Yeah, it sucks that he didn't get some sort of punishment for it... But there's nothing i can do now.
No point in worrying over it or even thinking about that.
But i even want to use that mentality for most of the bad things that have happened in my life...
But i can't.
Life isn't like that.
I just hate the fact, that i can relive the memory. Detail by detail. Visually.
I remember after the whole thing, i ran home tears streaming down my face, finding my mom, her holding my hand leading me to their house, knocking on the door, his mother answering w/ him in tow, and then the confrontation.
Then the months in between the incedent and the trial. I remember me going into school, and actually Telling my class what happened to me.
I was 6. I had no clue it was that bad. I think i really worried my 1st grade teacher. I also remember her being at my trial day. Giving me a pat and an incuraging smile.
My parents did not want me to go on trial. They didn't want me persicuted. But if my neighbor didn't confess... the i would have had to have gone up.
Thank god i didn't. I think that would have been terrifying...
So, yeah, he confessed.
But i'm still left w/ this shit. I'm left with what he did to me, when i trusted him.
And i'm amazed i can sit here and not cry over it.
I'm amazed that it's taken me 13 years to realize how much damage it's done to me.
And how long it is going to take me to recover...
CheZ